Monday, December 20, 2010

I'm supposed to be sleeping now...

I'm tired but excited! I don't have to work tomorrow and I'm never off on a Tuesday. I traded days with a co-worker who was moving on my off day (Friday). I get to see Penny tomorrow night as she took it off for her holiday this week. I am so glad I get to spend time with my spouse before Christmas.
On a lighter note I got to go to the movies with R last week. We saw Burlesque and both loved it. She also surprised me with a sweet Christmas gift. I now own some MAC eyeshadow and I LOVE IT!!! She picked out some GREAT colors for me. I can't wait until I see her again so she can see what a great job she did!
I hope she likes her present as much, I didn't have it all ready when I saw her so I shipped it off. I'm pretty sure she'll love it though.
Penny got some new pj's this week. She needed some winter ones. Did I mention how far we've come this year?

I know I won't have time to post again before Christmas so I just want you all to know that I hope you have the happiest of holidays!

Big hugs from me!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Thanks out there!

I just want to thank some other bloggers for their kind words lately. Thanks Petra! I love reading your own blog. Your phrasing makes for lovely reading as well as I am jealous of the hoisery and legs that you sport! And thanks so much to T-Central for asking me to guest-post. I think you do some great work! Thanks also to everyone who stops by. The first reason I blog is to get my thoughts down so I can reflect on them. The second is to let everyone (and this is the WWW so I do mean everyone) know what I am thinking/ feeling regardless if it is good or bad. Thanks for climbing aboard my mood swing roller coaster! Thank you Penny. For being the true love of my life who is always loving and supporting.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

December comes, another semester ends...

So as you may not know I take a class or two per semester (work will pay for one and we pick up the cost of another one if it looks like the work schedule will permit) to further my education and work towards certification as a Certified Veterinary Technician (animal nurse for my overseas friends... and because I like it better).
I began about 3 1/2 years ago as a receptionist in the animal hospital where I currently work and began in April working in the kennel which gives me lots more "hands-on" experience with our patients. This also means I spend large amounts of time cleaning, picking up poop, bathing, cleaning, washing clothes, cleaning, washing dishes, cleaning and running back and forth with animals on a leash/in a carrier.
This does not make for a good housekeeper at home. Penny is a jewel. She is so understanding and more than willing to pitch in to do my share of housework when I am studying or when I have had a particularly bad day at work.
I couldn't do it without her. I wouldn't want to.

These were my New Year's Resolutions for 2010:

1. Keep my dedicated time with P.
2. Continue to be creative.
3. Explore Digital Creativeness.
4. Study More
5. Exercise my physical body a minimum of three times per week.

The first two I nailed.
The last three, well I have done a few digital projects this year, but haven't given as much as needed to the study time and halfway through the year or when it got really hot I gave up on the exercise. I have started the exercise back in earnest and with my new workout partner I think it'll go ok from here on out. Penny has not been participating in the resolution ritual so I've kind of been doing this on my own. I have to say I'm rather proud at all I've done this year.

I'm really happy that we keep our time dedicated to one another. I know for a fact it's what keeps our marriage so good! Occasionally we don't get as much time as we really need, and you can tell that we need to be around one another. Our work schedules are actually day and night from one another so our friends and family know when I say I am spending the day with my spouse, I probably won't answer the phone or call you back, I'm busy and it's important. The people at work always make jokes that they know what we're up to on Fridays, but they don't know ALL we're up to as no one has made any hilarious jokes about dresses and heels.

I broke our agreement about Christmas gifts. I didn't mean to, but Penny did mention just a small something that she'd like to have and so I got it for her. I told her today that I got her a very small something. I know she thinks she has to go out and get something, but she doesn't (yes, I'm so evil I did hint at some things anyway). We got a mutual household present this year, a new tv, our old one died. We think it makes everything look so much prettier. LOL, it's our first "skinny" tv.

I'm rambling now because it's late and I just got home from a scrapbook crop. I just don't want to lay down and sleep. I had the nicest day with Penny and then some good creative time with silly ladies all playing with paper. I finished my Christmas Cards and addressed all the envelopes. They will go in the mail tomorrow. I love my homemade Christmas Cards.

I also made some pointsettia pins to wear and share:

Ok, I'm stopping now.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The thing about Glee...

Ok, so this is gonna be about a tv show. (Really) Do you watch Glee? Penny hates all the processing that goes on with the vocals and I don't really like that part either. There weren't enough people interested in having a glee club when I was in school, so we didn't. We had a HUGE drama club and really only performed musicals so that was our compromise.
Anyway last week's episode of Glee really, really touched my heart. It's called Furt and I dare you to watch it and not cry. I have watched the show since it's beginning, and so I do know all the deets about their character stories, but you don't need any of that to enjoy this show. It's all about total acceptance and the end of the show makes me sob like an idiot. To see people the age of the Glee cast open up and totally accept Kurt (he's gay, not a crossdresser but still). And to see his father treat him so well. It was really touching. The episode is available on Hulu. Seriously, take 25 minutes of your life, watch it and if you don't think it was worth it just to see all that acceptance thrown around and then think about how popular this show is and how all that acceptance just oozed into households all over that may have never even considered this themselves.
It really humbles me to think of it.
What about you?


Monday, November 22, 2010

Thanksgiving plans...

So we are about to celebrate one of my personal favorite holidays. I love Thanksgiving. I do love food (yes, my waistline is rather larger than I'm happy with, but exercise classes have begun so progress is being made.) I'd love to get down as small as  Penny, well because I'm vain and I want to be at least able to share clothes LOL!
I have a lot to be thankful for this year. We are both still employed, our families health is good. We are going to have the godkids and their parents over for Thanksgiving. We are both together and still healthy. Our pets are doing well. This year hasn't been as hard as last. We have grown more as a couple this year and it continues to amaze me that our relationship just keeps getting better. I love that we have started to have adventures together out in public and hope to continue on that front.
It has recently come to my attention that there are those out in cyberspace who would be placed by some into the transgender community and they find this label offensive. They have my permission not to use it. When I get a form and it asks for my ethnicity I try to always check the box that says I don't have to tell you that.
Labels aren't for everyone. I am most certainly not a feminist. I am offended by full garbage cans that don't immediately empty themselves yet I have a job that has me scooping poop all day long (go figure!).
I have no problem with anyone who does or does not want a label. You are all welcome to share the ones I take... married, female, heterosexual. You can create your own, share soemone else's. There are labels that are offensive to me, not the words themselves, but for the hate and ideals that are associated with them.
I believe that everyone has a right to their own beliefs. I also believe they have the right to respect mine.
I want to thank you everyone for respectfully commenting when you feel led, and for reading and hopping on if you disagree or just don't like what I have to say.
I am most thankful this year for the new friends that I have made. I am thankful to those of you who have reached out across the interweb to make a new friend. Thank you to those who are out in the world, and thanks even more to those who are only out in secret.
Hugs and if you celebrate Thanksgiving I hope you have a wonderful one.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Gettin' Wiggy with it!

Ok, cheesiest title of a blog post EVER!! But we had the best day today. In case you don't know, Penny and I work seperate shifts and almost always have Friday off together and we are pretty serious about spending as many hours together on those Fridays as possible! We met R. for dinner last night, which of course was great. It is always such a pleasure to get together with her. She had a new hairdo which reminded me that I had seen a sign advertising a new wig store in town.
Penny has a wig, that she REALLY doesn't like. We bought it a while ago and I think I saw the initial try-on. We bought it online because at the time it seemed Penny would never go out the front door in the light of day (or night, she didn't seem to have ANY plans to go out of the house at first.) So after telling R about the store, she asks if we'd like to all go together since we'd never been wig shopping and she had a few hours to kill before heading home. A meeting time was set and on the way home from dinner I suggested that if she wore makeup, she'd be happier wig shopping. (She agreed of course.)

This morning we got up, got dressed and made up and Penny and I walked out the front door. She said she was in "Half-femme" as her jeans were "mens" and her shoes were as well (her femme shoes weren't for the cold, and it was CHILLY this morning) and I told her she might as well consider herself total femme because skinny jeans don't count as "mens" and the shoes, well ok, not very femme, but also some women wear similar shoes.

The "new" wig shop we went to had some ridiculous rule about paying a dollar for a new wig cap every three wigs you tried on so we pretty much left right after we went in. We were disappointed and R suggested we go over the the mall. I looked at Penny and told her it was up to her and she said she was game. So over to the very public mall in broad daylight, femme to her feet! Nothing bad happened. I actually only noticed one schmo looking at us, when we first walked in. He even held his mouth open. I was amused. Penny missed this one but said there were others "looking."

We visited the MAC counter with R. Looked at some jewelry and then then hugged our sweet R farewell after getting her to tell us about the wig store she had recently been to in our area.

We headed down the interstate, found the store (Ms. Theresa's) no problem and walked in.  WOW they had loads of wigs. We picked out some together, tried on a couple (both of us actually, I thought it was FANTASTIC!!) and then we each got a wig. Penny looks so pretty and I am so very excited and proud! I think she's a little stunned at how well it went.


Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween 2010!

Ok, so we had plans, and they were kind of vague: for Penny to go out of the house on Halloween. She did! In costume of course. She went as Death (possibly one of the coolest comic book characters ever IMHO.) I went out with her dressed as what I called the "sexy" version of the bride of Frankenstein. I wore clothes that while not slutty were forever more flattering than the shapless robe and some super sexy heels I had been confining to house wear only, along with garish makeup and a horrible cheap wig that I picked up in the seasonal department of Wal-Mart for just this occassion. (Let me tell you right now if you ever buy one of those super cheapo less than ten dollar wigs then do NOT expect it to look as cute as it does on the package, ok...)
Anyway so we are all dolled up and the first obstacle is getting from our door to the car past our neighbor and his friend. All went well there were laughs and comments about how good we looked. And then on to the movies. We were out driving around in our costumes in broad daylight!
We went to the movies and (ok, so I was the only one surprised by this0 WE WERE THE ONLY COSTUMED PEOPLE THERE. But still, it is Halloween so we just went in got our tickets, popcorn, drink and found our seats (we got there really early, but it allowed for a few photo ops of our amazing trip out. Nothing bad happened. It was a fantastic way to spend Halloween (or any night really).

The fact that Penny was with me was so special. I don't really know how to describe it and I'm not sure if we would describe it the same. I held her hand, talked and laughed the way we always do. It wasn't weird for me at all. In fact, it was wonderful! I was so happy and proud to see her out.  I feel like it was such a success! Hugs and love to all. I am so happy!!!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Busy week.

I've had a bit of a busy week. Not just because Halloween is tomorrow, but that has added a touch of shopping for just the right costume. I'm not feeling beautiful these days because of a pesky crown that decided to just fall out of place and add that to some extra pounds creeping up because of some "secret" eating I've been doing that has been getting out of hand. I chalk part of it (at least) up to anxiety. I have been so excited about the prospect of spending Halloween with Penny (out and about) and I so want it to happen! I want her to be the confident and sexy lady that I know she can be and for us to be out of the house together. I know it's a big step, but I feel like she can handle it. I know she wants to.

I hope all of you who plan on going out tonight and tomorrow have a fab time!
Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Where to begin.

This has been a really emotional week for me. It wasn't bad, just emotional. Everyone has family drama and I try not to get involved or too upset about the ones I don't have any control over, but I learned some things this week that upset me (of course, doesn't everyone have stuff like this happen in their family). Anyway on another front, I had a misunderstanding with a friend that caused me a ton of grief at no fault to the friend, she just didn't know...

I think we all have people we like vs. people we love. You know those people you'd take a bullet for or go punch out someone that hurt their feelings (yes, I've had raging hormones this week and so everything that happened to me may not have ACTUALLY been that bad, but my perception of the situation is what counts.) Well I have a friend that I actually haven't known that long but she zoomed straight into the love category that also is my... I will physically hurt people who emotionally hurt you category (a category that I've never actually gotten to act out, but I have vivid images that I fantasize about, don't let that change your opinion of me.) Anyway she was having a rough patch,  (I don't think it's over either) and she needed some time and space to think, so she withdrew. Not really from me personally, but from everything.
This is not a bad thing, people have all kinds of ways to process things, and I fully support this method. The only thing is, since I haven't known her very long, I wasn't sure what was going on. I just knew that she was gone... not answering. At first I decided that she was dealing with personal issues, but then because I couldn't verify that I decided that she didn't really like me and want to be my friend because of something stupid I must have said or done (because let me tell you I totally let my guard down and speak my mind with her wether it's pc, polite or what.)
Anyway after days of freaking out, she finally had gotten enough upset emails/calls/texts to let her know that bless her, I was freaking the FUCK out! And she called, she let me know that she was dealing with things and that she didn't know I'd feel left out like that (bless her.) I told her I was fine with giving her space, she just needed to let me know. (In my defense, I really was worried about her, she had been traveling and I wanted to make sure she was physically ok as well.)
Does this ever happen to you? What do you do when you over-react? Do you have others in your life you let get that close?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Reach out and touch someone...

Not claiming to be an expert here, but it seems that quite a few ladies out there have either no SO or an SO who doesn't know about/wishes your femme self didn't exist. Whomever you are, you are NOT ALONE. There are so many of you out there, and even if I haven't met you in person, my heart hangs heavy for you. If I have met you and you are my friend then I am so sad for you. Not that you are a sad person with a sad life... but that you feel stuck. Stuck in a place where you are afraid to leave the life you know for one that is unknown.
I am not advocating divorce here, but would just love to force all those confused/frustrated couples out there to talk, really talk and listen (yes even more than talk to one another, listen to what your partner has to say). I am not saying there won't be tough compromises, but I expect that far more of you would give into any whim of your partner far more than the partner will give in to be a part of your femme self.
Yes (I'm pretending to be Oprah and be every woman here) some women will have a hard time with the idea. They may even wonder other "things" like does this make me a lesbian? Do you still desire me even when you're in a dress? Where did you learn to apply your makeup so skillfully and wtf your eyelashes are to DIE FOR!!!

Anyway, just know that if you EVER need a shoulder, I will listen (or read your email). I give every question an honest answer (really, I feel at this point it's hard for me to say any of my answers apply to "typical" women because I'm apparently atypical.)


Monday, October 4, 2010

The Sexy Side of it...

I experience crossdressing from such a unique perspective. It is very exciting to me the steps that Penny has taken, especially over the last couple of years. When I originally found out she liked to wear women's things, I didn't even think ahead to where this may lead. I do encourage her every chance I get and enjoy this side of my spouse. I acknowledge that to Penny it's not a sexual thing and recently she told me that she knew for me that it was mostly sexual. I've been thinking about that.
It is SO TRUE that it is such a turn on for me. I like to think that I'm not all over her and trying to jump her bones everytime she dresses (now anyway). But also I have to think that even I sometimes do things that turn her on and they are unintentional. I come home, take off my outerwear and hang out in lingerie that is quite provocative. I don't know about you ladies, but I wear different underthings to accomplish different things. (I'll elaborate.) I have "work" undies. They are very functional (although they have pretty colors and patterns sometimes) but they stay put where they should and most importantly don't show thorough my scrubs.
Then I have some foundation type garments that need to be worn under specific things (but really I don't even bother so they're just taking up space right now, who knows when or if I'll ever be a bridesmaid again LOL). And then there are the pretty things. The things I wear for myself to feel good about myself and the things that I buy to entice Penny, although if I'm wearing them for the first reason and not the latter, it surprises me to this day when Penny is so turned on. I have to admit that it thrills me to pieces when it happens. So I am thinking this is something similar to how I feel when I see Penny.

Friday, October 1, 2010

I'm feeling so special

Had a wonderful night out tonight with Penny. We met with R who is one of our mutual favorite people and had a fab dinner and the BEST conversation. If you read Penny's blog you will recall we did some super shopping together not too long ago and I decided to buy R a little something to show her how much we care. I cut out a cute little purse shaped giftbox so her happy would look sweet and gave it to her at dinner this evening. It wasn't a big gift, just something that I thought would look lovely on her, that I thought she would like. She was so gracious and looked so very touched. No one had ever given R a present before.
I was a bit shocked. I knew that her spouse wasn't accepting like I was, but she is so "out there." She appears to be such a forward ambassador of the community. She is so supportive and encouraging. I can't tell you what a relief it was when I met her in person. She is so beautiful, sweet and kind.  (I never actually heard of a "happy" until we lived in MS.) It doesn't have to be expensive or for an occasion. It's just something that makes you think of the other person and smile (and hopefully make them smile as well). I was so excited when I was picking her "happy" and cannot express how special it made me feel to know that I was the person who gave her that first gift.
R is the only other transperson I have ever met in person, so far (other than Penny of course). I hadn't really talked to her much before our first meeting. I know I have written glowing loving words about how special she is, but I don't think I can say enough good.
She was fortunate enough to go to SCC this year and she told us about the awesome seminars that she attended. She also told us how much fun she had going out and being in person with all the lovely ladies from Penny and I will be there next year, I am sure of that. I can't wait for that experience.
I know great and wonderful things lie ahead in this journey. For Penny and myself, and for my dearest R. She is such a natural leader, fearless and beautiful.

I ask those of you who are reading... are you like R?
Do you go out and about en femme and just be yourself at every opportunity (and by opportunity I mean times when you wouldn't offend your SO's limitations)?
Do you sit at home and dream about it? If you do sit home, is there any one thing that you are waiting on to go outside? Halloween is coming. It's your national holiday. The one day where anyone can wear anything they want, and not be accused.


Saturday, September 25, 2010

For the Record

Oh my, you have all been so very sweet and kind with your comments and emails! I really appreciate each and everyone who took time. It's been so much fun getting to know you. I feel like I have my own personal group of cheerleaders! Let me set the record straight right now and let you know...Penny most certainly appreciates me.

I am so fortunate to have found Penny. We truly complete each other! She shows me constantly how much she loves me. She tells me everyday how much she loves and appreciates all that I do (and really, I don't feel like I do anything). I feel like I am the lucky one in the relationship.

I don't know any other couples who have the freedom (not really sure this is the right word here, but I'm not sure which other one works) that we give to one another. If I want to travel across a couple of states to visit friends or family and Penny has to work, then off I go. It's been this way the entire span of our marriage. We've even inspired other married couples that if you want to go somewhere and your spouse doesn't want to or can't for some reason, then it's ok. Traveling somewhere alone doesn't make you less of a married couple, it means you trust each other.

I'm not saying I've never been jealous, but I do try very hard not to give in to that petty emotion. We chose to be with one another. We both gave it very serious thought. We had serious talks about how the "rest of our lives" would go, or what we expected from one another. We agreed on the important things. We also agreed that we'd never have to see eye to eye on other things like matters of politics or have the same favorite SEC football team (hey, we are in the south ok).

It works for us. I couldn't have dreamed up a better marriage as a child. I didn't actually. The sad thing is I am constantly amazed at the love (and lust) I feel fourteen years later. (Almost fourteen and a half!) I never knew it could be this good. I sincerely wish what we have on every person who gets married.

It does take work (everything does not, I repeat does not just magically go smoothly, lots of things require discussion and thought and more discussion). I am not "perfect", but Penny and I are perfect for each other. I do think a large part of what makes us such a great couple is that I accept all that Penny is. I do not think that it could be this great if I didn't want to actively be a part of every aspect of her life. I think she'd know in an instant if I lied or was faking. I am so thankful that I have Penny. I couldn't have "ordered" a better spouse.


Saturday, September 18, 2010

It's U-nonymous!

I love the world wide web, internet, interweb...whatever you call it. I first came to messageboards by way of my hobby, which is scrapbooking. It has been very sorely neglected lately. I have kind of a one track mind and since becoming more and more interested over at I've been less creative with paper and scissors. I've been really introspective as of late, and also really disappointed that I didn't reach some personal crafty goals that I set for myself this year. Ok, that being said, Penny is AMAZED by how much more "techie" I have become since starting my creative hobby. 

Playing with paper and scissors and adhesive (when you're as serious as I am you can't just use "glue" LOL) has opened up a whole new world for me and I am so in love! Penny tried for years to get me to be more "interactive" with the whole online thing and now, years later I am. It may have taken me forever, but it's "on like Donkey Kong" now!

My favorite thing about the web and mbs and blogs is that you can be as anonymous as you like. Very few in this particular community are ready to have everyone know the names on their birth certificates and loads are in the "closet" to not only their friends, but to some even their families (you know how I feel about the SO thing and if you don't you need to read more of my posts, but the sooner your partner knows, the better for many reasons!!!) don't know. Penny has only recently come out to our closest friends and they have been amazing about the whole thing! 

A. Perfect is my online persona that reflects who I am as far as Penny is concerned. We share the last name because we are in fact legally married, and I wanted to keep that ol as well. The A. stands for Aeify (pronounced Eye-feye) and is the respelling of an Irish Faerie name that I plucked out of a book many, many years ago and is special to me. The name I have chosen for myself online represents how I see myself with my mind's eye and may or may not reflect what anyone else sees while looking at me.

I think that is how we all choose our anonymous online "names".  I love that google, yahoo, hotmail, and a bucketload of other sites have free available emails for you to be able to have a way for people to contact you that you may not want showing up on your cell or home phone. I love google chat. (ok, I really really love google) and want to let you know that if you see me online, you are more than welcome to chat with me anytime! If you ever just want someone to talk to you can email me...I am a freak and check email all the time, I will usually write you back the same day (unless you email after I'm asleep, this email thing is a first thing in the morning, right before I sleep thing for me...yes I'm a freak).

I think everyone should feel free to have an email linked to their google friend connect or some way for people who want to get to know you better to connect. You never have to keep a password stored in a computer of any kind. My aperfectluv is not. No one has access to it but me and I sign in and out every single time. It's very liberating. I can comment on all of your blogs and email you and it's much less scary than thinking that I could "out" someone just because a friend of mine see's you as my "friend".  Only our couple of accepting and in-the-know friends even know our online personas. They check our blogs to check up on us even though we talk frequently. 

If you don't have an email for your femme self, I encourage you to get one. Have a blast with your online persona. Nobody gets to know who you are offline unless you decide to invite them out. That's how we made our friend R from I wouldn't trade her for anything, but I love each and every ol only friend too! 

Oh yes, you are more than welcome to comment and Anonymous here, but I would encourage you to at least let yourself be free here on the good old www.  It's as good as hiding in plain site. Trust me, no one will know. (As long as you remember to sign out when you're done.)


Considering Barest Compromise

I have been thinking a lot about shaving lately (again). I am still shocked and amazed that anyone would get terribly upset because their spouse shaved their body hair (yes, they do...really) I have been trying and trying to get someone to explain this to me in a way I could understand and perusing blogs to find out more.

If a person want to shave, by golly, they should be allowed to shave. I never deterred from plucking my sad monobrow (thanks mom) into two proper brows even when Penny used to tell me to just leave it alone and quit worrying about it (when we were first married, but in her defense, she really loves me just as I am... one eyebrow or two). I rip out my moustache every time I can see it and I usually have to get her to pull the muslin strip off of side number two because I'm a wuss! I shave when I feel stubble or when the stubble gets visible so at minimum a couple of times per week anyway. 

These things are for ME! I hope that Penny enjoys them as well. I hope she appreciates the fact that I don't just wander around like a hairy monster with only one eyebrow and a giant hairy mustache, but I don't even think about it as being for her. I do these things so that I can be happy with me. 

I look around at photos on the net and see the lovely smooth legs and read the glowing praises of stockings over freshly shaven skin and I can truly appreciate that sentiment. I will never be able to accept and understand someone who would dictate personal grooming to their spouse.

So you wanted a manly man, does he have to feel like a grizzly bear...really??? Why do you get to decide. If you want hairy, grow your own hair out. You don't have to walk around with it, why should your SO.

I keep re-reading the Tri-Ess bill of rights. Number 5 gives the right to a husband's masculine body. Cyclists, Body Builders, Swimmers and Bikers (bicycle riders) all shave their legs. These are thought of as "masculine" men. I believe this right is focused more on changes that could be brought about by the taking of hormones.

This being said, I agree completely with the Tri-Ess's honesty policy. You have to be totally upfront with your SO no matter what the consequences of that action. Everyone who keeps it a secret from their SO runs the risk of hurting, and the hurting is the most damaging to the relationship. Story after story from SO's are about the lies. The cheating done with the "other woman" who was in fact the person they loved, just a different part.

Think about it, have your SO write to me if she doesn't like that part of you. I love a good discussion. 


Thursday, September 16, 2010

The rise and fall of hemlines.

I know I have mentioned before, but I really want you to know just how important this forum is for me. I know that in the beginning, I didn't exactly know where all this was heading and that we went from occasional recreational "undie" enjoyment together to Penny dressing when I wasn't home (her comfort level, not mine...just want everyone to understand that I have never been uncomfortable around the dressing). To really just recently "full" presentation with makeup and chicken cutlets. You don't have to join that forum, I just want to make sure that if you don't have a support group set up, they are there (I'll be your friend!)

I have a small sample of blogs (I know most of you came here by way of Penny's and I thank you for that). I am constantly sampling more and adding... in case you wanna know other places to hang. I think the community involvement is very important. I didn't know that cders go through what seems to be an accelerated "teenage" stage. That's really NOT the best name for it, but us ciswomen have years of public disgrace days where we show the world our bad hair and makeup (not to mention clothing) choices, and we grow and learn with our community of cisgirls and women around advising and "helping" us out.

People NEED the advice and support of others. No one is born knowing what shade of eyeshadow may or may not work for them or what skirt is too short to be considered "appropriate" (seriously, have you seen any of those teeny tiny things the teens are wearing now, sheesh). I am just so very grateful that in these cyber days we have now, we can reach out and touch the lives of others. I love the fact that anyone can create an anonymous email and otherwise "web persona" in order to reach their trans-siblings anywhere. I love that blogs are free and easy to put up and that people are willing to share stories and instructionals and even to establish friendships with people they would otherwise never connect with.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

How I've grown...

Wow, to look at myself a few months ago and think of all I knew of cding, transgender issues, etc....
It's kind of sad how ignorant I was, what with the internet here in my lap and all.
I had never even thought to look it up, accepting SO that I am. I bought clothing that was for "girls" and not so much for "women." I didn't really pry enough into what Penny wanted as her "aesthetic" or maybe she didn't know yet.
Her tastes have become very nice, mature and very nice, outfits that I'd wear myself if my waist were that small (good thing we don't wear the same size LOL).
Her makeup skills are becoming fierce and now we've really gotten into accessorizing. I just recently bought her some jewelry.

I didn't even think of it before. She didn't wear it in drab and had never brought it up. But I'm paying attention. Thanks to some other lovely ladies out there (yes L, thanks to you especially), I got to thinking that she may in fact like some jewels to go with her outfits.
I got her some gray pearls. A necklace that can be worn long or knotted for more interest and to make it shorter and a set of three pearl bracelets (they have different sized pearls) which can be worn together or seperate or layered with other bracelets.

She liked the bracelets the most. I know for a fact she really likes them because she has worn them repeatedly.

She also got more jewelry over Labor Day Weekend. She picked some awesome stuff and we did put a few things back but I was super impressed with her selections (I really liked them all and wouldn't have thought she'd go for all of them).

This proves to me that like myself, it's those little things that count so very much. The clothes she has picked out for me while we were together are my favorite ones. They make me feel beautiful even if I didn't before I put them on.

She gets me, I just hope I develop in "getting" her the same way. I want her to love everything I pick out for her as well.

Wishing you all someone who surprizes you with some small trinket of affection, you all deserve it.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Panties and bra...

So I have already stated that the beginning of my own journey with a crossdressing partner started with the sharing of a sexual fantasy of MINE. What I didn't know in the beginning is that this was not a purely sexual thing.

For me, it was. And was for years and years.

Even though we have had the internet for most of our married life (just a while in the beginning when it wasn't really weird for people to still not have it really), I had never once looked up crossdressing, transvestite, or anything to do with those subjects.

I happily and freely admit that it still turns me on. I don't remember exactly when we took the first step beyond lingerie. I know they were my clothes (we used to wear the same size, but now Penny is much slimmer than me). I don't even remember what they were. I know we have shockingly only moved on to full dress with makeup recently.

I know that the day I suggested "chicken cutlets" was a major deal and that even though I could tell she wanted them to fill out the bra cups, she still had to take some time to think about them before she agreed they were a good idea.

All that being said, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have Penny relaxed and comfortable beside me. I love when she is around because I know that too much time without her and the stress and worry affect our relationship as well as her ability to sleep (Penny is an insomniac).  I worry about everyone out there who's partner is unaccepting. I worry how this affects their day to day life and how much better not only their life and relationship would be if they were allowed to fully be themselves with the person they have chosen as their life partner. I know Penny would only be a shell of her true self and honestly, I don't think I could take it, knowing this side of things. I don't know if she could either.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Is it that I'm not feminine?

This is a common question that seems to come about from genetic girl partners of transgendered men. It is a question that I personally struggle with from time to time. When I look at my role models from childhood I always remember what I thought then: "Mama is in charge" and "Women rule the household. "It may shock you that I had these thoughts as I was raised in a definite Southern Baptist household, but that's how it appeared at my house.

I never once thought of my parents as anything other than there presented gender. On thinking back, maybe I think I'm so masculine at times because after passing puberty and deciding that screaming like a madwoman wasn't any way to get what you want out of life. I tried to emulate my father more and more.

He's a very quiet person most of the time but outgoing and kind. I never felt like he prejudged people at all. In fact I didn't "know" for a long time that people I was related to had prejudices about race or sexual orientation. (There are some slight horror stories from my teenage years when I discovered these in my mom.)

My wonderful father always said it was important to understand that we are all just people. No matter how wealthy or poor, or color of your skin. I don't ever remember him mentioning sexual orientation. What I would like to believe is that he would have the same opinion on this as well. I have never been really uncomfortable (not until more recent years anyway) of speaking to anyone in regards to social station. I used to work at a place where we had Senators and Representatives as clients, and I just talked to them like they were anyone else. Now celebrities do make me nervous. I lose my cool and don't really know how to be myself around them, but I am sure that is just because I have mentally put them up on a dais somewhere in my own mind LOL! (Good thing I've only met a couple of celebrities huh?)

Back to my topic though, being feminine is a very subjective thing. One could argue that cleaning one's home is femme, but I don't feel at all masculine if I ask Penny to clean the litterboxes or wash dishes.

What we must strive to do is release the fact that our Spouse/SOs dress as females has NOTHING at all to do with US! (I know, I also sometimes have a problem thinking everything is all about me.) But the fact is it doesn't. This is just one more reason I don't understand why more SOs are not completely accepting. It's nothing we've done or pushed you to. Nothing that we don't do. I am me. I wear makeup when I want and that's not very often. Quite often Penny wears it more times per week than I do; I don't let this make me feel weird. She has asked me on an occasion or two to wear it for something special (like the night she proposed), and this didn't make me feel weird, or put upon, or even like she was trying to change me.

So why would I try to change her?

I do struggle with that question in my head sometimes, but that is me and my heart knows it!

Friday, September 3, 2010

What about the children?

Thanks so much for all of your comments ladies! It means the world to me that I actually said something to make people think and respond. I have been noticing another trend which all of you are probably aware of, but as I am new to the idea of being a part of a "community" I am finding it a little shocking.

Let me preface this by saying it is not meant to insult ANYONE! (this means you)

I have been reading loads that people are still in unhappy relationships because they have children.

I am a product of divorced parents. They liked it so much they got married to each other and divorced twice! I do remember a couple of the years they were happy. But the majority of memories I have of my parents are:

1. The fights, the terrible rage filled screaming fits (all my mom's). She would rage out of control set off by the least little thing (like the fact that dad was watching one ball game on tv and listening to another on the radio but he hadn't heard her ask him to take out the garbage).

2. The days they didn't fight where the only time they were in the same room, was mealtime. We would eat dinner then daddy would retire to the "den" to watch sports and we (the girls) would go to a smaller bedroom converted to tv room and watch our ladies shows with the door shut.

This had a great impact on me. When I repeatedly heard and saw my mom telling my dad how stupid he was, for a while I believed it. My 13 to 18 year old years were especially hard as those were the years I learned my mom was a cheater and my dad had known and stayed with her despite the fact that he was being humiliated and that people knew. (I do have siblings, but they are 13-10 years older than me and by this time they didn't live at "home" anymore).

They divorced the year I turned 14. They dated a lot after that. One night I couldn't take it anymore and asked them to sit on the couch in front of me. I asked them to stop dating because they knew they couldn't be married and live together and it hurt me too much to see them like that. Knowing it could never be. Although it really made me happy they could get along as long as they weren't married.

They didn't date anymore after that. Although I still had years to go before I could repair what I felt I'd done wrong to my father, and especially after he told me why they got divorced and I hated both of them for about 18 months (my mom just picked me up from a friend's house one day and told me we had a new home... that's how I found out they were getting divorced).

After they divorced it was like I had two parents again. They weren't focused on fighting each other, they were so much happier (ok my dad was really sad because he still loved ... and I think he still does love my mom although they are both remarried). But we were all happier because there weren't those constant flareups of anger. There wasn't a house filled with tension so thick you could see and smell it everywhere.

I still knew they loved me. I think they even felt freer to show it as they didn't have to vie for my attention, only ask me if I wanted to do something with them and I usually said yes to whichever asked me. It was a relief to me as an adolescent. I have now met many, many people who have also come from divorced parents. General consensus seems the same for all of us. Those whose parents divorced while they were younger seemed to be able to work through it all sooner than those who were older.

I am grateful to be in a marriage where the pattern my parents had is not repeating. I have a sister who has now been married four times to four different men. She doesn't seem to be able to see what the problems she keeps having are. I myself dated people and repeated my Mom's disrespect pattern until one day I realized that I didn't have to do that. I have a brother and another sister who are married to the only person they've ever been with and seem content to stay with that person forever.

Just because you have children, doesn't mean you are doing them a service to stay in an unhappy marriage. There are other studies out there to prove what I am telling you. Don't waste your life trying to suppress what is in you. If love something, set it free...

Your kids just want your love and support. You don't have to be married to their other parent to provide that.  Give them credit and raise them to be open-minded about everything. That is the best way to insure that future generations of transgendered people being allowed to live their lives any way they see fit.


Thursday, September 2, 2010

What is love?

I must say that I have often wondered what love is... how do we love people. There seem to be so many different kinds of love. I have loads of sibling love. (It's pretty fierce too.) There are special people in my life that I have added to my arsenal of people I can call for any reason, and know that they will be there for me. I do have actual siblings. I have three "birth" siblings that I can count on for most anything, one adopted that adores me but is very very young, one step-sibling that would be there if I called and even drove to across a state line one time when Penny and I had car trouble and needed help.

I have some friends, not many but quality over quantity here, that if I just said I need you, they would drop everything and come running. They have and they'd do it again. And I'd do anything for them. Sometimes it doesn't even get to the asking point. When I say I'd fight for them, I mean it. I am very very passionate about people who are close to me. Sometimes to my detriment. I have learned over the years how to hold grudges and the like. Oh and I have a fuse like a pressure cooker.

I have recently added to this friends list. I call it love. Fierce and protective as a mother bear is how I feel about these friend/siblings.

Penny I hold above all others in a special place. Even when it is something hard to say outloud, or if I am depressed. My heart swells to overflowing with my love for her. She is my best friend. She was my best friend before she was ever my lover. She is the one I want to spend time with. I have been accused of being "up her butt" (figuratively, not literally). I crave time with her still, after all these years of marriage.

I want her to be happy. I want her to be proud of me, as I am of her. I love that everything we have, we have because we have worked for it. I love that we share Penny and that she feels comfortable enough to even let me make her face up sometimes although she is rapidly improving her skills to a degree I feel like she won't even want that soon.

I love the magical, dizzy feeling I get when we kiss. I never thought it would last this long. I believe now that it will always be there.

I don't know how everyone who couples up doesn't have this. I will admit I had relationships before that I thought were love and in fact I think were a kind of love, but not this heady, wonderful ever after kind of love that we share. (ok, so I am not inside her head but I'm pretty sure she feels the same way)

I love that I know for sure that we are not just together because it is easier. I love that being used to one another and it just being easier to stay together isn't what keeps us together.

I want everyone to have what we have. I think it is worth waiting for and worth fighting for, and I don't see why people get married for less than what they always wanted.

I also want you to know that as wonderful as it all is, we sometimes disagree. I turn into a shrieking harpy that is terrified her spouse wants to leave her. There is no real reason for this, I blame it on being a "woman" I really hope no one takes offense to that. Even when it happens I can usually somewhere in my head be found screaming at myself to be still and quiet and go away and stop being ridiculous and irrational.

It's important for me to say this so that you know I am real, I am human. We are a real couple and though we are so very happy most of the time, we are not actually "perfect". I don't trust married couples who claim they never fight. Passion is a powerful thing and it comes out in the craziest ways.

Love encompasses all these things to me. The loving, the fighting, the passionate crazy anger. I fight with my siblings (both birth and self-imposed). But I would never let anyone else fight with them without jumping in with both feet.

I have had many violent and terrible daydreams about how to treat people who have in the slightest way hurt those I care about and secretly fear one day I'll be put in prison for ripping someone's hair out by the roots (this would be really messy).

I pray for you all to know unconditional love, and to be able to accept that love for what it is. Know that first you have to love yourself. Accept yourself, every part. Sorry I'm feeling so sappy this evening.

Monday, August 30, 2010

I believe you.

Today Penny told me she was so glad I had brought up the crossdressing issue first in our relationship. I have every bit of faith (based on everything we did share before we tied the knot) that she would have told me even if I had not brought it up first. It was/is important that we move forward together with honesty above all.

I get really sad when I hear that someone is married to someone who is unaccepting. It always makes me wonder why they stay together. Everyone has different reasons and I've heard loads of them. I am learning that CDers in general have lots of things in common and this facinates me. I wonder how many men I've dated or lusted after were closet CDers. 

Things that really mess with my mind...

If you love someone, really love can you want them to have some "secret" life in which you have no part?
If you love someone, how could you keep such a secret in the first place? Why wouldn't you want someone that you've asked to share your life to know all of you?
If that person says no, or asks you to hide who you they love you?
Why would you establish a "permanent" relationship with someone who wants you to not be yourself?
Do you think that if all the cders came out of their closets tomorrow, you'd find as many ladies who love them?

Is it wrong for me to have all these questions?


Thursday, August 26, 2010

One week ago today.

One week ago today I met the second admitted cder that I have "known" about in person. Not only did I meet this person, I met... her. I have only known R as her femme self and I adore her completely.
She is the first online friend Penny and I have ever met. I hope she is the first of many. I so happy she doesn't think of me as freaky freak who just blurts out whatever she is thinking and has no qualms about asking deeply personal questions.(I just do that) I've never been one to play games, and I have no intention of starting.

I am so happy to have this new relationship in my life as it's the first time I've ever been free to discuss ALL aspects relating to Penny and myself.

Girls do that you know, we talk.
We think men talk about their sex lives in detail because we do it with each other.
We have bragging rights about how awesome the sex is and what we do to and with our mates. (Or at least everyone I've ever gotten really close with does.)
Sex toys on the table, favorite positions, lube, flavored lube, battery operated vs non battery, plastic, silicone, glass, lingerie, sexy shoes, board games and feathers...

All of my previous friendships have been carefully edited versions of my own reality. I'm not complaining. I certainly have admitted to my own share of stuff. One friend in particular thinks I'm super uptight about "toys" LOL!

But now I can share whatever I want and not think that by mentioning satin gloves that my "friend" will hear that and understand the gloves were used on me and not by me and thereby "out" my spouse and our kink (LOL).

*Not that we have had any in detail sex discussion of this kind, just that I don't feel like I have to edit anything that I say and .... oh well, you get the picture.

We go out with R together tonight and I am so excited about it.
1. We will be out together.
2. We will be with R, and really sometimes it is just SO HARD to have a friend that you can share. I know lots of people I am friends with just get on Penny's last nerve. (You can't have everything in common with your spouse, where would the spice be?)
3. I'm getting to go to a restaurant I've been dying to go back to since last freaking summer...YAY!

I haven't made such fast friends (does everyone understand that expression?) in a long time. I feel both the rush of excitement that I don't know every single detail about R and I want to know everything. I feel like she has the unique perspective to give me on my own feelings about cding and how I react to different aspects of it. She is just so freaking lovely to look at! I am so proud to be with her out and about because I think it makes me feel like I am good enough to be seen with such a lovely lady! (seriously, back to the bi issue, I love that she thinks I am pretty enough to be her friend, or does that just make me sound shallow... does anyone else here have any leftover high school crap that makes you feel like some people are almost too perfect to want to be your friend? sheesh I'm really a freak).

We went to dinner last night and I showed off my stupid trivia self by telling R all about Col. Sanders, Dave Thomas and Lucille Ball. (are you laughing yet?) I am so comfortable around R. I don't know if I am surprised at that or not. I don't really know what I expected. I was really more "nervous" about meeting someone from ol than meeting a cder. I am so proud she goes out because friends, she is amazingly good looking and a bit self-conscience but with no need.

Um I really meant for this post to reflect on how grateful I am for my new friendship with R but it seems that this is just rolling out like one of my conversations with her...LOL!

Penny keeps telling me that I am some rare anomaly in the cd world. A totally accepting and encouraging spouse. I remind her and I shared with R that yes, I am accepting, I actually love it. Penny turns me on wether in drab or femme and my favorite thing in the WORLD is having lovely lipsticked lips pressing softly, ever so gently against mine. This is just the HOTTEST thing in the world and honestly, I'd love to hear anyone argue that point. There is nothing sexier!
I do have my own "baggage" that goes along with this, I mean t-girls generally evolve to such a fantastic point of presentation that they look SO much more perfect than us regular gals. How could I still be attractive to Penny? I showed R a photo of me in "drab" or without makeup and in my work clothes. She was so sweet and told me that I didn't look horrible like I had told her I did... when I meet her I put on my "game face". Do t-girls know that ggs, well I do anyway, wear makeup at times to feel more appropriate?
I mean most days I don't wear anything on my face. I'm lucky if I remember to wash and moisturize (I know, don't flinch...). But when I want to feel especially pretty or "powerful" in my womanhood, then I make up my face.

Maybe they understand this even better than I do. Opinions?

After the beginning

So I told you the story of our beginnings of the journey together, but lest you think that the road was just a beautiful ashphalt freeway without turns and stoplights and "road work" signs...let me just dispel those notions now.

When I told my lover that I secretly desired to see him in lingerie he gave me such a frightful reaction I thought our relationship was over. "Is that what you think when you look at me!?" (this is my nearest recollection to the exact wording)

He also said loads of other things that made me feel like a despicable worm for even voicing my innermost desire out loud in front of another human much less a human that I was yearning to spend the entire rest of my life with.

After he had a while to process and cool off and listen to me apologize while sobbing and begging for forgiveness, the truth came out. He was upset because I MUST have known, sensed or read his mind in some way. He thought because no one could possibly ever desire that in reality, much less someone he had found and loved that I MUST be making fun of him in some sick and twisted way.

Really??? yes!

It took many years of questioning and pondering for me to wrap my head around this one. I had never considered that the fact that this was a secret desire that "society" said was "wrong" in some way might actually make someone so paranoid about what they wanted in life. I'm a little ashamed that (as an intuitive and perceptive woman...see we are just people too) that it took me a really long time to get to a place where I wasn't just shocked at the reaction. But it did.

I will be always grateful for that night. It gave us a wonderful start. It was also a great way to get used to the idea that this aspect of our relationship together was going to be work. Work on the honesty and trust issue especially.
If I am not totally honest in what is ok and what is not as far as I am concerned, then how would he work his brain around being comfortable around me in femme or drab, whichever he felt like at the moment. The femme part has come a long way, but more for another time.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Am I bi?

Not meant to be an insult to anyone who considers themselves bi. I just don't think I am. My spouse loves to make the point that if he is fully presenting in femme and the only way I can  "see" that he is a HE is to see "it" then I must necessarily be bisexual in nature.

My argument is that while I can appreciate and feel attracted to the same sex, that because I don't want to bed a woman as a woman, then I am not bisexual... as for the sex part I require the male "member." ;)

I have presented this argument to both another friend whom I only know in femme, R (super duper fantastic "ladies who lunch lovely") and my best friend AB (because I am A LOL). The funny thing is, only spouse P thinks this makes me bi.

My other friends argue that because I KNOW there is a member there waiting for me and therefore know she is really a he that I am not bi.

Anyone else wanna weigh in?

Lest ye think.

So this isn't just going to be a sappy blog about how wonderful my love life is, there is also some stuff I am trying to work out.
"We" have recently taken our sharing o the cding to a new level in that we joined a fantastic online community that is for everyone cd/ts/tg both mtf and ftm  AND their Significant Others (SOs) be we spouses or otherwise. The community is wonderful and SO very helpful. With advice to get as well as give and not only are their public forums for everyone, but there are private forums for groups as well. I was very excited to join and then fill the requirements to join the genetic girl (GG) forum that is completely private. I'm not going to share details on that here, because it's private and I promised not to, but I will say that if you or your SO is looking for a place that will be both supportive, and helpful to you both...just go right over to and join! Don't think that everyone is just going to agree with you when I say supportive, we are there to say what has and has not worked for us and just help you out with real world stuff.
It has been fantastic for me to learn that all my anxiety over fretting about my own looks (wow, I really am vain, and I hate it but I guess it's true!) and the fact that I feel like one day P will just leave me so far behind when dressed is (gasp) normal. It is just my own stupid crap. P, in fact, does really think I am still beautiful and sexy. Even when she's dressed and I am just normal (I don't usually wear makup.... kind of sad huh). And even though it is MY OWN PERCEPTION that she will judge me with the same harsh criticism that I judge myself with when I am primping, she doesn't. She has a "blind" love for me. Blind and unconditional and loves me JUST THE WAY I AM. Just like I love her. But it's still nice to know that someone else out there feels bad, like I do. That other people have a hard time thinking about...whatever. And some people are fortunate enough to have worked through some of this already with their partner and some haven't, but YAY... there are other out there going through the same thing and others to TALK TO!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

There are panties...

I just want to get some stuff out there. Just see it in black and white. I know talking helps and I know writing helps. So blogging can certainly help. If you are with me on this journey at any phase, jump in and help me out. I'm going to try to just be myself which is pretty brash and honest with not a lot of stopping to think before speaking (most of the time). Time can do a marvelous job on opinions as well as memories, changing them for the better or vice versa. Enough rambling, here goes...

In the beginning there were panties. That's what we started out with, but really the story goes back farther than that. To a night when we were young and in love, (we still are!) but not yet bonded by the union of marriage. We were two lovers sitting on a porch, anticipating our first "full weekend together" at the same house. 

We were sharing sexual fantasies and it was my turn...
I was so scared. I'd had the same fantasy since the age of 14 and I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show for the very first time. I wanted a man in drag... I wanted Frankenfurter, I wanted an experience with a man dressed just like I was...super sexy and ready for loving!

Can you believe it? I had kept it a secret. So then I just said it out loud (or as I recall in a kind of timid voice...) I want you to wear women's lingerie for me. 

That's where it started, my journey into the world of loving a crossdresser. It wasn't really as simple as that, but that is in fact our beginning.