I get really sad when I hear that someone is married to someone who is unaccepting. It always makes me wonder why they stay together. Everyone has different reasons and I've heard loads of them. I am learning that CDers in general have lots of things in common and this facinates me. I wonder how many men I've dated or lusted after were closet CDers.
Things that really mess with my mind...
If you love someone, really love someone...how can you want them to have some "secret" life in which you have no part?
If you love someone, how could you keep such a secret in the first place? Why wouldn't you want someone that you've asked to share your life to know all of you?
If that person says no, or asks you to hide who you are...do they love you?
Why would you establish a "permanent" relationship with someone who wants you to not be yourself?
Do you think that if all the cders came out of their closets tomorrow, you'd find as many ladies who love them?
Is it wrong for me to have all these questions?
Hugs
Hmmm, good questions. I've asked some of these repeatedly the last three years. I still don't have the answers, but maybe you'll have more luck.
ReplyDeleteWhile this is not an answer or an excuse (I have hated myself for a long time and know there was no excuse), it is possible that because as a youth we (cd/tg) are taught that what we feel is wrong and what we want to do is forbidden, that we get used to having two lives and hiding one of them from the world and sometimes ourselves as well (it's called purging).
ReplyDeleteDuring the experience of loving another (maybe for the first time) that other life seems to be a 'thing of the past' and we feel as though that is over, and therefore not important to share (being as it was 'wrong' and 'forbidden' we are happy to forget it).
By the time it becomes obvious that this assumption was wrong, we are now filled with shame at our deception and the cycle of hiding the wrong and forbidden begins again.
Your questions are good; very good. I especially worry about the part where the loved one says now that I know about your secret, go back to hiding it because I want to pretend I don't know. It is a very sad and complicated business.
thanks for asking those questions. I agree with Halle about the cycle we find ourselves in and perpetuate. Speaking for myself,because I was ashamed I've repressed this in myself for most of my adult life-and that means most of my marriage. What brought it out in mid-life I don't know. And now I find myself with a secret that I long to tell her-but at this stage in our life together I don't know if I can. I'm both terrified of losing her-and terrified of hurting her. I trust her absolutely,it's not that- but I don't want to add some kind of pyschic burden to her. She's had enough to deal with in her life without one more disappointment.Of course, my deepest hope is that it wouldn't be a disappointment to her--but maybe a confirmation of something she already knows. It's not simple, is it?
ReplyDeleteDear A. Perfect.
ReplyDeleteGreat questions. Had 'em myself, and don't expect perfect answers, but it is the quest that counts (reliable sources inform), yes?
So why the secrecy? I think that many CD'ers come across the habit at a time of life that we are full of "phases". Phases pass, and we hold out for the moment when we return to "normal". I suspect that some people get there. Many do not. For me, I felt that that perfect love, which I found, and which I am privileged to try to maintain every day would chase these habits into the recesses.
My love, my married life did not.
Takes a long while to come to grips with that and to get it out into the open. A very small number of misanthropes probably do want at some level to hurt the people closest to them, but 99% of the gender variant do not. It pains to keep a secret. It pains to have not fully disclosed a truth. Even if one did not reckon on it being a permanent truth early in the relationship.
If all of us came out tomorrow we would likely not find enough willing partners. Not tomorrow anyway. Next year, 10 years, sometime yes. But not tomorrow.
Your blog will help bring that day closer.
So glad to find you and Penny. Happy to follow your adventure and learn what I can.
Cheers - Petra
Just to clarify, I'm glad you brought it up first because that PROVES to me that you really are okay with it. If I had been the first to bring up the subject, I imagine my paranoia would get the better of me. I would always wonder if you whether or not your thoughts and deeds were truly in sync. I have trust issues. Fortunately, I know I can trust you completely, utterly, and without reservation. Thank you for that. :)
ReplyDeleteI love you all for commenting and no matter what, don't hate yourself for anything. I feel like placing yourself in the community is a large part of giving yourself permission to be loved and accepted by others like you are accepting yourself. Thanks for being here!
ReplyDelete