Thursday, January 26, 2012

Better Days!

So I still have moments of sadness. And I know some of the triggers now. I have been avoiding a lot of them, but I'm pushing through now.
I wish I could tell you exactly what happened when I went to AZ, but I'm guessing just the going, the getting up and doing something like I have always wanted to do... travel, adventure, follow my heart to something that just seemed perfect!

I had such a wonderful time. My only regret is that it wasn't a longer trip. Meg has been sharing more details about her trip and I'm loving it from her perspective. I've talked to so many people lately who say they are so glad to hear ME. (LOL) I think it's extra funny because I've been asking this whole time if I've been acting like myself and they were saying yes, and now they are saying they are glad "I'm back."

People don't like to tell you that you are being weird. They think it will upset you. I'm glad I have at least two friends who love me enough to be honest. I kept thinking I was being weird.

I owe a lot to these ladies:

(Left to right: Me, Sonora Sage, Meg and Dorothy...not pictured: A)

I know you haven't seen a lot of photos of me, and my profile pic is my Second Life avatar, But there I am, in the flesh. I'm not afraid.

I have a girlfriend who always told me if I left the southeast my hair would flatten out much better, LOL! Usually it takes a LOT of work for it to look that flat, the AZ wind helped me out a lot!

Here's a shot from my DC trip to boot!

I had different hair on this trip, because it was prior to my taking myself to a whole new level. I'm also about 10 lbs heavier in DC. I've been losing weight since November. Not a lot, just a little at a time. Funny thing is I'm not trying. The stairs I'm standing on are located in Georgetown. They were in the movie the Exorcist. It was my favorite "landmark" that I got to see while I was there. My friend "D" who drove me to DC was so peeved that I wasn't impressed with enough he told me he knew something I'd love and would make me smile (it's also one of the few things we stopped at LOL.)

I'm so happy to be able to share with you all! Thanks again for all of the emails, and calls. I feel so me! I am so very happy!

I love you all (and because I have promised, I am seeking counseling.) I will keep you informed as I'm not really enthused about it.


Friday, January 20, 2012

Fortunate Reality

I have talked to a lot of widows since becoming one myself. I didn't know it was like a secret club, but it kinda is. When Penny's grandfather died right after the first of the year, I thought I'd never hear from anyone in that family again. I was wrong.
It seems Nana has decided maybe I am what I always appeared to be, what Penny said I was and that maybe I never was the one trying to steal away that little one they all loved so much, who was so different from the rest of them. She called me a few days after PawPaw's funeral to let me know that she loved me, and was there for me and that wow, it hurts to lose a spouse.
I told her I understood.
And I do.
When I learned last week that I was going to have to put my dog to sleep, a dog I have had as my constant companion since August 5, 2000... I called to let her know. Everyone loved our precious girl. Everyone who ever met her said she was the best dog. I am totally biased. She came from the pound totally house-trained and so humble and ready to be a part of our little family. Nana tried to call me last Thursday to see if I was OK (I put her to sleep on Wednesday, January 1/11) but couldn't talk, she said it was too much for me. That she was my company and it was so sad.

It was.

My constant companion for right now is my pushy neighbor who refuses to let me wallow in self-pity and depression. He is really probably the only reason I have come so far so fast (that and the fact that it's really un-Aeify to be depressed for too long, I wasn't really built for it and don't handle it well.) We fight like siblings most of the time, and he makes it very hard for me to remain calm, but I am trusting the universe. It has been sending me exactly what I need so far. I'm going to assume that as long as he's around, he is supposed to be and that when one of us leaves, it's time.

This time last week I was last minute packing for Tucson. I wish I was still there, or at least had another trip planned out west. It was absolutely amazing.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My adventures have started!

So I did it, I took off all by myself! I went to the desert. I've never really been anywhere in that direction before. Never been to a state I considered west, much less southwest. I'd never ridden a plane before alone (only had one previous trip by plane and that was to Disney World several years ago.) I travelled alone to Tucson, but met up with a special friend... the one and only Meg who showed me around a bit and made sure I ate too much (lol) and introduced me to some new friends... it was marvelous.

Because I knew I was meeting Meg, and with my own experience with Trans women, I decided to dress up more than I would normally. I'll go on a bit. In my own house, Penny tried to achieve that perfect "ladies who lunch" look. R could write the book on that look, and my own style tends to go towards, sloppy boho which I would love to read more as fab boho, but it's only recently that I cared enough to make myself up again...(I'm getting off topic here so I'll stop.) Anyways, I bought some dresses to wear on the trip (bought 3, took two that had sleeves, apparently it gets cold in the desert after dark) and wore what I think is a FAB purple dress for my trip there. I really should have asked someone for a photo, because I thought I looked good, and well... that made me feel GREAT!! (if anyone ever asks why you dress, tell them that looking good makes you feel does!!)

Anyways, skipping a lot of things, other than the fact that a wrap dress can do wonders for your figure and wearing tall boots with heels that just leave a small gap for leg between the end of your skirt and the top of the boot is also a fab look, I found the desert to be a wonderful and magical place, that made me feel like anything is possible.

See (sorry for poor photo, my house is in a state of rebirth just like me and I could not locate an actual camera, so all my photos are iphone4 quality)

I made some new friends who were absolutely wonderful, and I was so happy that they didn't seem to think I was annoying as hell (don't know that I've ever mentioned that my laugh is kind of obnoxious, and I do it a lot... maybe I'd forgotten myself.) The only slight lull in conversation was when I mentioned that my spouse of 15 years died recently (and it was the shortest pause at that ever so far.) I hope this is the first of many adventures for the new Aeify this year, I am ready to spread my wings and find out more about this great wide world. I have been confined to the South for far too long!


Thursday, January 5, 2012

OOObladi, Ooooblahdah

So in November I lost Penny, in December I had a car accident, in January I lost Penny's Grandfather (hers were the only grandparents I have had in many, many years).
He was the one person in Penny's family who was still alive who loved me for who I was.
He never recovered from the loss of Penny, and was in such poor health it just did him in.

But life goes on. The funeral was today and I went, some of my family went with me, but there is nothing like a spouse, or at least another mourner who knew the person who died.
I made it.

It was sad, I cried.

I now feel like the grim reaper is gone, he has been hovering and holding my life down since I lost my dear Penny.

I am trying to only look forward now. I can't change the past, I can only change me. And I want to live.

I want adventure and travel and all the things I never thought I would be able to do. If I can live through all the stuff I've lived through the past few months, I am Wonder Woman! And I can go on!

I love you ladies, and if you are ever in Memphis or nearby, please shoot me an email because I'll hang with you (work allowing) if you are pretty or in drab. It doesn't matter to me. Know you have a friend.

Hugs to you all!