Friday, September 3, 2010

What about the children?

Thanks so much for all of your comments ladies! It means the world to me that I actually said something to make people think and respond. I have been noticing another trend which all of you are probably aware of, but as I am new to the idea of being a part of a "community" I am finding it a little shocking.

Let me preface this by saying it is not meant to insult ANYONE! (this means you)

I have been reading loads that people are still in unhappy relationships because they have children.

I am a product of divorced parents. They liked it so much they got married to each other and divorced twice! I do remember a couple of the years they were happy. But the majority of memories I have of my parents are:

1. The fights, the terrible rage filled screaming fits (all my mom's). She would rage out of control set off by the least little thing (like the fact that dad was watching one ball game on tv and listening to another on the radio but he hadn't heard her ask him to take out the garbage).

2. The days they didn't fight where the only time they were in the same room, was mealtime. We would eat dinner then daddy would retire to the "den" to watch sports and we (the girls) would go to a smaller bedroom converted to tv room and watch our ladies shows with the door shut.

This had a great impact on me. When I repeatedly heard and saw my mom telling my dad how stupid he was, for a while I believed it. My 13 to 18 year old years were especially hard as those were the years I learned my mom was a cheater and my dad had known and stayed with her despite the fact that he was being humiliated and that people knew. (I do have siblings, but they are 13-10 years older than me and by this time they didn't live at "home" anymore).

They divorced the year I turned 14. They dated a lot after that. One night I couldn't take it anymore and asked them to sit on the couch in front of me. I asked them to stop dating because they knew they couldn't be married and live together and it hurt me too much to see them like that. Knowing it could never be. Although it really made me happy they could get along as long as they weren't married.

They didn't date anymore after that. Although I still had years to go before I could repair what I felt I'd done wrong to my father, and especially after he told me why they got divorced and I hated both of them for about 18 months (my mom just picked me up from a friend's house one day and told me we had a new home... that's how I found out they were getting divorced).

After they divorced it was like I had two parents again. They weren't focused on fighting each other, they were so much happier (ok my dad was really sad because he still loved ... and I think he still does love my mom although they are both remarried). But we were all happier because there weren't those constant flareups of anger. There wasn't a house filled with tension so thick you could see and smell it everywhere.

I still knew they loved me. I think they even felt freer to show it as they didn't have to vie for my attention, only ask me if I wanted to do something with them and I usually said yes to whichever asked me. It was a relief to me as an adolescent. I have now met many, many people who have also come from divorced parents. General consensus seems the same for all of us. Those whose parents divorced while they were younger seemed to be able to work through it all sooner than those who were older.

I am grateful to be in a marriage where the pattern my parents had is not repeating. I have a sister who has now been married four times to four different men. She doesn't seem to be able to see what the problems she keeps having are. I myself dated people and repeated my Mom's disrespect pattern until one day I realized that I didn't have to do that. I have a brother and another sister who are married to the only person they've ever been with and seem content to stay with that person forever.

Just because you have children, doesn't mean you are doing them a service to stay in an unhappy marriage. There are other studies out there to prove what I am telling you. Don't waste your life trying to suppress what is in you. If love something, set it free...

Your kids just want your love and support. You don't have to be married to their other parent to provide that.  Give them credit and raise them to be open-minded about everything. That is the best way to insure that future generations of transgendered people being allowed to live their lives any way they see fit.


1 comment:

  1. I am really enjoying reading your blog. You write well and have some very keen insights. A fully supportive and encouraging spouse is a true luxury to a CD.
    Your open mind is an inspiration.


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