Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Manual Mode

I love rules and instructions. I'm kind of lost that there isn't a clear set of instructions on what to do now and loads LOADS of things that I've seen women who were widowed before me make such perfect sense now. It's not like this, but you can compare it sort of to a really bad breakup, one you had when you were about 16 and it felt like your life was over. Kind of. I'm not the most organized and together person on the best of days, if that tells you anything about me on the worst of days so be it.

I can't thank all you ladies enough for your messages of love and sympathy. I wish I could have all of you in one room to share your shoulders at the same time. I do have good days, but Christmas about did me in, as did the phone call from my sister yesterday. She said she could see the hurt I tried to hide, and it's ok. I really haven't been trying to hide anything, I just want to live, and feel good, and be normal.

I'm really usually a very happy person and I just want to be that happy lady who smiles and jokes and laughs. Not doing that won't bring my Penny back. Nothing will. I have had some other things happen the last couple of weeks, ok last week... I had a car accident and now I have a grandfather who is dying. Gosh ladies, I really really just want all the bad over with so that after the first of the year things can get better.

My bestie told me last night I'm depressed, which I denied. But I know if she sees it in me then it must be true. I mean who wouldn't be at this point? But I have our girls to take care of and those fourlegged ones mean the world to me (even when they are being annoying). I just wish there was a clearly written timeline on how long all this is going to take, and that I had some more vacation time and could go hide on a beach somewhere drinking cute drinks with fruit and pineapple and lying in the sun, and I don't even like the sun that much, the Vitamin D just sounds like it would make me feel better :)!


Monday, December 12, 2011

What to do now...

So its been not too long, but I hate to wallow in self-pity. I'm trying to make decisions about the person I am to be now. All I have to say about a lot of things right now is that they are weird. I can not picture the future without still loving and supporting the friends I have made in this community even though I no longer have my Penny. I hope to remain active and supportive to all the lovely ladies I have met, and to meet many more on their journey.  I wish I had way more lovely and grandiose things to say, but I'm not there yet.

I am so greatfull to you all for the calls and emails. They have meant so much! Hugs!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

And so it goes...

Life is a wonderful adventure. Wonderful and terrible. I really am doing quite well I think though at times I wonder if something must be wrong with me. Heartsick is what I feel when the bad times are upon me, but I am so relieved that my lovely Penny hurts no longer. I tried everything I knew to make her happy, to be supportive, to fight the fights that she couldn't. I had dinner with a special friend this evening who told me that she felt, could see that Penny and I had an amazing spiritual bond that is so rare and precious. She told me she felt like we were such a part of each other that I couldn't feel like Penny was gone.
And she was right. I feel the love surrounding and supporting me. I feel all the love and prayers from the ones that knew us.
I have always been able to accept love. I had to show my lover how to do it. It's as easy as just accepting that someone can love you. Can feel the same way. I love all of you ladies out there. I am finding that I need to just squeeze all of you in my arms because my Penny's arms are no longer here. I am virtually hugging you all right now and holding you close. For those of you that have been in touch, don't stop.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Hardest Thing to Say

I know that some of you are probably wondering where I/we have been and what has been going on. I am hear to tell you.  I stopped blogging regularly because it got to the point where it wasn't helping. Or at least it wasn't helping me. From my conversations with my lovely Penny, I felt it was drawing too much attention and it put an awkwardness between us which I couldn't stand. Also, she was afraid for my safety from the trolls. 

She always tried to keep me safe, and bless her...with my mouth that was never easy.

Trans issues were a major part of our life in the last couple of years. Trolls on the interwebs have been particularly vicious and terrorizing to many that used to feel free to work out their thought processess and feelings through the wonderful world of blogging. I know that when Penny felt it was a safe activity it brought her no end of happiness. The trolls pushed her to a private blog quite a while ago and she only left the open invite for a very, very short time because she was afraid of who might "get in."  The first private blog was short lived and there were in fact several others. I wasn't invited after the first one because she had issues she thought might upset me. She had problems she wanted to be anonymous and just write it all out and if strangers came then they would be unbiased.

Penny had a lot going on and only a portion of it was trans.

I lost my Penny on 11/26.

She is gone and I am alone. I mean, not really alone because of all the wonderful friends and family but I truly felt that we had "a perfect love."  My heart aches and is sick at the thought of having to drive back home to an empty house, I have been in the state of our birth for several days now with our oldest friends. They were part of that special secret list of people to "tell."  I can't bring myself to tell them because I know Penny felt it was important to do it herself. I know they won't even care about "the secret" but it just doesn't feel right. I was mostly really good before the service on Sunday but yesterday everything just took a kind of major downturn. I know it's going to be ok, and yes I know I probably need some professional help, right now I just have to figure out how to sit in a car for four hours by myself.  I so want to do this alone. It would be what I now call "more normal."

I wanted to tell you all sooner, but I've just said the word so many times and it has so much power built into it that it hurts too bad to keep saying.

She did take her own life. It was not just a trans thing, it never was just that...there was just so much more. Please know that she admires all of the bloggers who don't give in to the terrorizing trolls. Please know how important you all are.  I so wish this was more coherent but I wanted to tell you all so bad.