Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Time may change me

2012 has been such an amazing year so far. I have never felt so in tune with my own self. I wonder how you ladies are doing on your own journeys. If you follow Meg you know she is spending some important time getting in touch with herself right now. I am sending many good vibes her way.

It's important to know yourself. I remember being asked months ago what kind of stuff I liked and being stumped. I have some answers to that question now. I feel more confident about things and myself. I feel like a woman and I feel strong. I also know how to let myself be vulnerable with those that I love and trust. I have more control over what to say when someone asks about my marital status. It doesn't make me want to cry, or make me defensive. I can refer to the time I was married and not sound pitiful or blurt out that I'm no longer married because my spouse is dead. I can do this intentionally.

I've made it past my birthday and what was my wedding anniversary. The only thing coming up that Penny really loved is Halloween. She hated sunshine and summer stuff. I don't really anticipate problems for Halloween. I just don't feel the dread that I did before the anniversary came and went. Not for Halloween. I feel dread about November.

I also think it's natural. The one year anniversary of "the event" might be a bit hard. In my heart I feel like if I can get away from here, this house, where it happened that things will be ok. I know that means I'm giving power to an object, but I am living here, so I am facing it. I use the space where it happened so it's not set off as some sort of shrine or sacred space. A part of me wants to treat it as a celebration day. The day Penny freed herself from pain and allowed me to become the person I was meant to be, the strong woman she always said was inside me. The one I didn't really think was there for years. I thought I had lost her, I just kept her tucked away. I won't make that mistake again.

I feel like I have sane control of my life. I feel like my decisions are mine and mine alone. I feel like I have morphed into that Wonder Woman that I have kept on a petal-stool (reference to IT Crowd moment here).

Saturday, June 23, 2012

What I chose :)

I have an awesome friend who doesn't mind telling me the truth (actually I'm lucky enough to have more than one of those but this post is about one in particular). I was having a pity party this time last week, and as the week progressed I was getting more and more panicked on how the anniversary was going to be. She took me to task, and I admit I thought she was being a bit harsh at first, but I understood why she did it.

She basically told me that if I wanted to be sad on the anniversary of the day I married Penny, to go ahead... but that being sad would be my choice. That I could choose to be miserable and feel sorry for myself, or that I could do something about it. She asked me what I'd be doing if Penny was alive. the answer to that was easy, I'd be feeling sorry for myself because it would be an anniversary that we didn't celebrate. Penny only wanted to celebrate years that ended in a 5 or 0. She didn't see the point of celebrating every year.

So I bought myself a gift the day before, some new luggage to travel with. I have FINALLY gotten some vacation time at work and I intend to use it as soon as I can finalize some plans :). It's pretty and brightly colored, and just mine :). I gave my old luggage to that very same friend. I had a different good friend contact me early in the week just to tell me that she had made plans to be available on Thursday if I should want some company, or just to sleep at a place that is not this house. She said we could go out, or order in, or whatever I want. We went out. To Jim N Nick's BBQ which is one of my FAVORITE places to eat (and not just for bbq as I had catfish and a fruity libation). I talked and laughed and had a wonderful dinner, then went home EXHAUSTED from work which decided to give me more hours than I had originally been scheduled for AND I got an extra petsitting job that day as well.

I had planned for some sad time like the therapist told me too, and I wound up being AT WORK those hours, and I guess it just worked itself out there, because I didn't have anything left to be sad about when I got home :).

I really did think despite everything it would be terrible, but it wasn't.


Thursday, June 21, 2012

16 years ago today...

Sixteen years ago today, I was a bride. It was a lovely wedding in a country church in rural Alabama. I thought I knew almost everything about the man I was about to marry. I thought his biggest secret was that he liked wearing ladies undergarments every now and again. I was fascinated that he would do this, as I had thought it was so hot, ever since the first time I saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I wish I had known everything, had done more research and had thought or known about being more supportive in those beginning years.

I am so thankful to have met so many wonderful and caring ladies over the last few years.

Hugs everyone. Today has been a good day overall. And I never expected that.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

It's been too long!

Hugs ladies, I've been missing you. I've also been waiting to have something worthwhile to say. Not sure if I've gotten that second part down yet, but here goes.
I recently marked something off my bucket list (as a side note I also wrote down my bucket list).

That was the simple thing of going to a movie alone. With only myself as company. I have no idea why it has taken me so long to do that, but it's ok. I did it.

When I was in college I had a few silly goals which included learning to drink coffee, learn to take naps, and eat alone at a restaurant. I had no trouble with those at all. But as I got out of college and got married I let doing things alone fall by the wayside. Penny went to movies alone whenever she wished. (in drab) She had been doing that ever since she was old enough to drive. The town I grew up in was nowhere near a movie theatre, so I did not. And I always thought it was a little sad not to be able to review the movie with one another as you walked out of the theatre.

I was wrong, it's awesome :).

I mean, awesome in the sense that I don't mind doing it again, it no longer holds fear for me, but I'm not going to turn down company either.

I saw Rock of Ages and sang and laughed until I cried. I keep hearing reviews that the movie tries to take itself seriously but I didn't find that to be the case. I went knowing it was over the top and enjoyed the heck out of it.

As you were ladies :)