Thursday, August 26, 2010

After the beginning

So I told you the story of our beginnings of the journey together, but lest you think that the road was just a beautiful ashphalt freeway without turns and stoplights and "road work" signs...let me just dispel those notions now.

When I told my lover that I secretly desired to see him in lingerie he gave me such a frightful reaction I thought our relationship was over. "Is that what you think when you look at me!?" (this is my nearest recollection to the exact wording)

He also said loads of other things that made me feel like a despicable worm for even voicing my innermost desire out loud in front of another human much less a human that I was yearning to spend the entire rest of my life with.

After he had a while to process and cool off and listen to me apologize while sobbing and begging for forgiveness, the truth came out. He was upset because I MUST have known, sensed or read his mind in some way. He thought because no one could possibly ever desire that in reality, much less someone he had found and loved that I MUST be making fun of him in some sick and twisted way.

Really??? yes!

It took many years of questioning and pondering for me to wrap my head around this one. I had never considered that the fact that this was a secret desire that "society" said was "wrong" in some way might actually make someone so paranoid about what they wanted in life. I'm a little ashamed that (as an intuitive and perceptive woman...see we are just people too) that it took me a really long time to get to a place where I wasn't just shocked at the reaction. But it did.

I will be always grateful for that night. It gave us a wonderful start. It was also a great way to get used to the idea that this aspect of our relationship together was going to be work. Work on the honesty and trust issue especially.
If I am not totally honest in what is ok and what is not as far as I am concerned, then how would he work his brain around being comfortable around me in femme or drab, whichever he felt like at the moment. The femme part has come a long way, but more for another time.

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