Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween 2010!

Ok, so we had plans, and they were kind of vague: for Penny to go out of the house on Halloween. She did! In costume of course. She went as Death (possibly one of the coolest comic book characters ever IMHO.) I went out with her dressed as what I called the "sexy" version of the bride of Frankenstein. I wore clothes that while not slutty were forever more flattering than the shapless robe and some super sexy heels I had been confining to house wear only, along with garish makeup and a horrible cheap wig that I picked up in the seasonal department of Wal-Mart for just this occassion. (Let me tell you right now if you ever buy one of those super cheapo less than ten dollar wigs then do NOT expect it to look as cute as it does on the package, ok...)
Anyway so we are all dolled up and the first obstacle is getting from our door to the car past our neighbor and his friend. All went well there were laughs and comments about how good we looked. And then on to the movies. We were out driving around in our costumes in broad daylight!
We went to the movies and (ok, so I was the only one surprised by this0 WE WERE THE ONLY COSTUMED PEOPLE THERE. But still, it is Halloween so we just went in got our tickets, popcorn, drink and found our seats (we got there really early, but it allowed for a few photo ops of our amazing trip out. Nothing bad happened. It was a fantastic way to spend Halloween (or any night really).

The fact that Penny was with me was so special. I don't really know how to describe it and I'm not sure if we would describe it the same. I held her hand, talked and laughed the way we always do. It wasn't weird for me at all. In fact, it was wonderful! I was so happy and proud to see her out.  I feel like it was such a success! Hugs and love to all. I am so happy!!!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Busy week.

I've had a bit of a busy week. Not just because Halloween is tomorrow, but that has added a touch of shopping for just the right costume. I'm not feeling beautiful these days because of a pesky crown that decided to just fall out of place and add that to some extra pounds creeping up because of some "secret" eating I've been doing that has been getting out of hand. I chalk part of it (at least) up to anxiety. I have been so excited about the prospect of spending Halloween with Penny (out and about) and I so want it to happen! I want her to be the confident and sexy lady that I know she can be and for us to be out of the house together. I know it's a big step, but I feel like she can handle it. I know she wants to.

I hope all of you who plan on going out tonight and tomorrow have a fab time!
Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Where to begin.

This has been a really emotional week for me. It wasn't bad, just emotional. Everyone has family drama and I try not to get involved or too upset about the ones I don't have any control over, but I learned some things this week that upset me (of course, doesn't everyone have stuff like this happen in their family). Anyway on another front, I had a misunderstanding with a friend that caused me a ton of grief at no fault to the friend, she just didn't know...

I think we all have people we like vs. people we love. You know those people you'd take a bullet for or go punch out someone that hurt their feelings (yes, I've had raging hormones this week and so everything that happened to me may not have ACTUALLY been that bad, but my perception of the situation is what counts.) Well I have a friend that I actually haven't known that long but she zoomed straight into the love category that also is my... I will physically hurt people who emotionally hurt you category (a category that I've never actually gotten to act out, but I have vivid images that I fantasize about, don't let that change your opinion of me.) Anyway she was having a rough patch,  (I don't think it's over either) and she needed some time and space to think, so she withdrew. Not really from me personally, but from everything.
This is not a bad thing, people have all kinds of ways to process things, and I fully support this method. The only thing is, since I haven't known her very long, I wasn't sure what was going on. I just knew that she was gone... not answering. At first I decided that she was dealing with personal issues, but then because I couldn't verify that I decided that she didn't really like me and want to be my friend because of something stupid I must have said or done (because let me tell you I totally let my guard down and speak my mind with her wether it's pc, polite or what.)
Anyway after days of freaking out, she finally had gotten enough upset emails/calls/texts to let her know that bless her, I was freaking the FUCK out! And she called, she let me know that she was dealing with things and that she didn't know I'd feel left out like that (bless her.) I told her I was fine with giving her space, she just needed to let me know. (In my defense, I really was worried about her, she had been traveling and I wanted to make sure she was physically ok as well.)
Does this ever happen to you? What do you do when you over-react? Do you have others in your life you let get that close?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Reach out and touch someone...

Not claiming to be an expert here, but it seems that quite a few ladies out there have either no SO or an SO who doesn't know about/wishes your femme self didn't exist. Whomever you are, you are NOT ALONE. There are so many of you out there, and even if I haven't met you in person, my heart hangs heavy for you. If I have met you and you are my friend then I am so sad for you. Not that you are a sad person with a sad life... but that you feel stuck. Stuck in a place where you are afraid to leave the life you know for one that is unknown.
I am not advocating divorce here, but would just love to force all those confused/frustrated couples out there to talk, really talk and listen (yes even more than talk to one another, listen to what your partner has to say). I am not saying there won't be tough compromises, but I expect that far more of you would give into any whim of your partner far more than the partner will give in to be a part of your femme self.
Yes (I'm pretending to be Oprah and be every woman here) some women will have a hard time with the idea. They may even wonder other "things" like does this make me a lesbian? Do you still desire me even when you're in a dress? Where did you learn to apply your makeup so skillfully and wtf your eyelashes are to DIE FOR!!!

Anyway, just know that if you EVER need a shoulder, I will listen (or read your email). I give every question an honest answer (really, I feel at this point it's hard for me to say any of my answers apply to "typical" women because I'm apparently atypical.)


Monday, October 4, 2010

The Sexy Side of it...

I experience crossdressing from such a unique perspective. It is very exciting to me the steps that Penny has taken, especially over the last couple of years. When I originally found out she liked to wear women's things, I didn't even think ahead to where this may lead. I do encourage her every chance I get and enjoy this side of my spouse. I acknowledge that to Penny it's not a sexual thing and recently she told me that she knew for me that it was mostly sexual. I've been thinking about that.
It is SO TRUE that it is such a turn on for me. I like to think that I'm not all over her and trying to jump her bones everytime she dresses (now anyway). But also I have to think that even I sometimes do things that turn her on and they are unintentional. I come home, take off my outerwear and hang out in lingerie that is quite provocative. I don't know about you ladies, but I wear different underthings to accomplish different things. (I'll elaborate.) I have "work" undies. They are very functional (although they have pretty colors and patterns sometimes) but they stay put where they should and most importantly don't show thorough my scrubs.
Then I have some foundation type garments that need to be worn under specific things (but really I don't even bother so they're just taking up space right now, who knows when or if I'll ever be a bridesmaid again LOL). And then there are the pretty things. The things I wear for myself to feel good about myself and the things that I buy to entice Penny, although if I'm wearing them for the first reason and not the latter, it surprises me to this day when Penny is so turned on. I have to admit that it thrills me to pieces when it happens. So I am thinking this is something similar to how I feel when I see Penny.

Friday, October 1, 2010

I'm feeling so special

Had a wonderful night out tonight with Penny. We met with R who is one of our mutual favorite people and had a fab dinner and the BEST conversation. If you read Penny's blog you will recall we did some super shopping together not too long ago and I decided to buy R a little something to show her how much we care. I cut out a cute little purse shaped giftbox so her happy would look sweet and gave it to her at dinner this evening. It wasn't a big gift, just something that I thought would look lovely on her, that I thought she would like. She was so gracious and looked so very touched. No one had ever given R a present before.
I was a bit shocked. I knew that her spouse wasn't accepting like I was, but she is so "out there." She appears to be such a forward ambassador of the community. She is so supportive and encouraging. I can't tell you what a relief it was when I met her in person. She is so beautiful, sweet and kind.  (I never actually heard of a "happy" until we lived in MS.) It doesn't have to be expensive or for an occasion. It's just something that makes you think of the other person and smile (and hopefully make them smile as well). I was so excited when I was picking her "happy" and cannot express how special it made me feel to know that I was the person who gave her that first gift.
R is the only other transperson I have ever met in person, so far (other than Penny of course). I hadn't really talked to her much before our first meeting. I know I have written glowing loving words about how special she is, but I don't think I can say enough good.
She was fortunate enough to go to SCC this year and she told us about the awesome seminars that she attended. She also told us how much fun she had going out and being in person with all the lovely ladies from Penny and I will be there next year, I am sure of that. I can't wait for that experience.
I know great and wonderful things lie ahead in this journey. For Penny and myself, and for my dearest R. She is such a natural leader, fearless and beautiful.

I ask those of you who are reading... are you like R?
Do you go out and about en femme and just be yourself at every opportunity (and by opportunity I mean times when you wouldn't offend your SO's limitations)?
Do you sit at home and dream about it? If you do sit home, is there any one thing that you are waiting on to go outside? Halloween is coming. It's your national holiday. The one day where anyone can wear anything they want, and not be accused.