Manual Mode

I love rules and instructions. I'm kind of lost that there isn't a clear set of instructions on what to do now and loads LOADS of things that I've seen women who were widowed before me make such perfect sense now. It's not like this, but you can compare it sort of to a really bad breakup, one you had when you were about 16 and it felt like your life was over. Kind of. I'm not the most organized and together person on the best of days, if that tells you anything about me on the worst of days so be it.

I can't thank all you ladies enough for your messages of love and sympathy. I wish I could have all of you in one room to share your shoulders at the same time. I do have good days, but Christmas about did me in, as did the phone call from my sister yesterday. She said she could see the hurt I tried to hide, and it's ok. I really haven't been trying to hide anything, I just want to live, and feel good, and be normal.

I'm really usually a very happy person and I just want to be that happy lady who smiles and jokes and laughs. Not doing that won't bring my Penny back. Nothing will. I have had some other things happen the last couple of weeks, ok last week... I had a car accident and now I have a grandfather who is dying. Gosh ladies, I really really just want all the bad over with so that after the first of the year things can get better.

My bestie told me last night I'm depressed, which I denied. But I know if she sees it in me then it must be true. I mean who wouldn't be at this point? But I have our girls to take care of and those fourlegged ones mean the world to me (even when they are being annoying). I just wish there was a clearly written timeline on how long all this is going to take, and that I had some more vacation time and could go hide on a beach somewhere drinking cute drinks with fruit and pineapple and lying in the sun, and I don't even like the sun that much, the Vitamin D just sounds like it would make me feel better :)!

Hugs

What to do now...

So its been not too long, but I hate to wallow in self-pity. I'm trying to make decisions about the person I am to be now. All I have to say about a lot of things right now is that they are weird. I can not picture the future without still loving and supporting the friends I have made in this community even though I no longer have my Penny. I hope to remain active and supportive to all the lovely ladies I have met, and to meet many more on their journey.  I wish I had way more lovely and grandiose things to say, but I'm not there yet.

I am so greatfull to you all for the calls and emails. They have meant so much! Hugs!!

And so it goes...

Life is a wonderful adventure. Wonderful and terrible. I really am doing quite well I think though at times I wonder if something must be wrong with me. Heartsick is what I feel when the bad times are upon me, but I am so relieved that my lovely Penny hurts no longer. I tried everything I knew to make her happy, to be supportive, to fight the fights that she couldn't. I had dinner with a special friend this evening who told me that she felt, could see that Penny and I had an amazing spiritual bond that is so rare and precious. She told me she felt like we were such a part of each other that I couldn't feel like Penny was gone.
And she was right. I feel the love surrounding and supporting me. I feel all the love and prayers from the ones that knew us.
I have always been able to accept love. I had to show my lover how to do it. It's as easy as just accepting that someone can love you. Can feel the same way. I love all of you ladies out there. I am finding that I need to just squeeze all of you in my arms because my Penny's arms are no longer here. I am virtually hugging you all right now and holding you close. For those of you that have been in touch, don't stop.

Love,
Aeify

Hardest Thing to Say

I know that some of you are probably wondering where I/we have been and what has been going on. I am hear to tell you.  I stopped blogging regularly because it got to the point where it wasn't helping. Or at least it wasn't helping me. From my conversations with my lovely Penny, I felt it was drawing too much attention and it put an awkwardness between us which I couldn't stand. Also, she was afraid for my safety from the trolls. 

She always tried to keep me safe, and bless her...with my mouth that was never easy.

Trans issues were a major part of our life in the last couple of years. Trolls on the interwebs have been particularly vicious and terrorizing to many that used to feel free to work out their thought processess and feelings through the wonderful world of blogging. I know that when Penny felt it was a safe activity it brought her no end of happiness. The trolls pushed her to a private blog quite a while ago and she only left the open invite for a very, very short time because she was afraid of who might "get in."  The first private blog was short lived and there were in fact several others. I wasn't invited after the first one because she had issues she thought might upset me. She had problems she wanted to be anonymous and just write it all out and if strangers came then they would be unbiased.

Penny had a lot going on and only a portion of it was trans.

I lost my Penny on 11/26.

She is gone and I am alone. I mean, not really alone because of all the wonderful friends and family but I truly felt that we had "a perfect love."  My heart aches and is sick at the thought of having to drive back home to an empty house, I have been in the state of our birth for several days now with our oldest friends. They were part of that special secret list of people to "tell."  I can't bring myself to tell them because I know Penny felt it was important to do it herself. I know they won't even care about "the secret" but it just doesn't feel right. I was mostly really good before the service on Sunday but yesterday everything just took a kind of major downturn. I know it's going to be ok, and yes I know I probably need some professional help, right now I just have to figure out how to sit in a car for four hours by myself.  I so want to do this alone. It would be what I now call "more normal."

I wanted to tell you all sooner, but I've just said the word so many times and it has so much power built into it that it hurts too bad to keep saying.

She did take her own life. It was not just a trans thing, it never was just that...there was just so much more. Please know that she admires all of the bloggers who don't give in to the terrorizing trolls. Please know how important you all are.  I so wish this was more coherent but I wanted to tell you all so bad.

Hugs,
Aeify

Wow, has it been since June?

I guess I should be ashamed, but I'm not. A little sad maybe at what brings me to a new post. It's Dancing With the Stars. I LOVE this show, but mostly because I can't dance, love to try (um, not real dances, I wouldn't dare lol), and want everyone I know to watch (no one at my work does and of course, Penny isn't crazy about it.

This season is so controversial...
All because of Chaz Bono. I wanted to watch to show my support. I wanted to watch it live. I actually made it home in time for the second hour. They saved Chaz for the last dance. He did a great job, but they had to talk about it. I don't know how I feel about it at all. I just feel like everyone knew the controversy already. I'm not sure how I feel about his intro saying that he is the first transgendered contestant. I kind of just wish that he could have just been on his own merit as an author and the child of Sonny and Cher.

Does that make me a bad person? a bigot? prejudiced?
I just want people to be treated like people. I want us all to get along and love one another.

I feel like as much as I want to be supportive to my own lover I fall so short.

Hugs,
Aeify

Funnyness

So I had a friend forward me a link to a hilarious blog which I think anyone who views life from any angle of the female mind (or maybe even the male mind) would find hilarious. It's The Bloggess. If you think that post is amusing, I think you should click the link at the top to her "sex" column in the ol sex mag: Sexis. Roflol.
I hope this brings you some entertainment. I seriously needed the laugh when I got the link emailed to me.

Life has been spinning lately. And by that, I do NOT mean I have taken up exercise although my poor bloated frame wishes that were so. Work has gotten busy to the point of ridiculous, so much so that they hired someone else to work where I normally work. (Which is typically a one person job).  I got all of about three hours total after working with her for three days because I had to help in other areas of the hospital. She did well enough apparently to get a "well deserved" week off.  (Because after being told she was hired to work afternoons and weekends they scheduled her off for a week-go figure.)

Oh well, I did get to see my lover a little this week although I really wanted about four days of time to just be together and cuddle, but I take what I can get.

Today when I got off work I got one of the sweetest phone calls in the world. The call to let me know I am loved, and it was sorely needed. I've reached the point in the month where no amount of salty or sweet foods make me feel good, and I feel like a slugmonster for just trying to eat the amount of food I've consumed today. But this too shall pass and hopefully tomorrow I can do something constructive. Today I finished up some crafty swap things I need to mail out tomorrow. I also finally picked up a petsitting gig close to work for July 4th weekend, thank goodness. I was hoping to have something else to do to make me drive 20 miles from home and just feed and clean for an hour. I really like the petsitting thing and these are outdoor pets so they are SUPER easy (and sweet).

Things indeed are looking up, now if I can maintain sanity and abstain from violent/bitchy outbursts tomorrow I'll be ok.

Hugs,
:)

Movie with a message!

So last Thursday Penny and I went to see XMen First Class. And I think you would like this movie even if you're not a comic geek.
I am the more Xmeny of our duo and we both LOVED this movie! It has such a strong message of acceptance that was so overt and so loving that it transcended the genre of this movie (IMHO).  I strongly encourage you to go see this movie right away, in fact see it a couple of times. It made me feel good and of course gave me a good cleansing cry. I am so happy to see filmmakers get their point of view across in a totally nonthreatening and non down your throat way. Lemme know if you feel the same way.
Hugs to you all!
Mutant and proud,
Aeify

Ok, so where have I been?

First of all, our vacation was AWESOME! We got to spend a ton of quality time together and Penny went out DRESSED in the DAYLIGHT! It was so cool! Second of all while we were on vaca, she tried on some shoes...some girl shoes in a store where I was also trying on shoes (AWESOME).
Then we got home and I have to admit I was a little down from the vacation high. We got some awesome time together and I always miss her after we have several days together and then get back to our normal routine which is basically spend time together one night per week.
Also, it was getting close to my birthday and well, I went up into another checkbox area (lol) and so that was exciting.

But with the good there is also the bad. I know there are a lot of negative things to discover on the intranet, just like there is a lot of good, and until VERY recently, a lot of bad stuff was affecting my own personal relationship.

This is for anyone out there who is feeling bad about themselves...love yourself!
ACCEPT YOURSELF.

also

Don't worry about what other people think.

Some people just hate. Out of jealousy or ignorance, and there is nothing to be learned from them.  It's the exact kind of hate that people have for other races or socioeconomic groups of people.
And it's ignorant.

I've had a lot of personal soul searching I've been doing myself. I like some of you miss Penny's blog and I've had a hard time with her withdrawal from the blogosphere.  I kept thinking it wouldn't/ shouldn't affect me but it did.

I quit hanging out on the message boards because I felt I got what I needed from the other wives and hurt some people a little I think (I didn't mean to, everything I said was meant out of LOVE, I swear).  Maybe I'm not as sensitive as I need to be, and maybe I am way more masculine than I want...

I have been doing some things I love. I have been creating some beautiful crafty things which is what I LOVE doing so that's cool. I'm going to try and catch up on reading my lovely cd/ts/and spouse blogs that I love. I'm sorry I was absent, but I'm still here and I still wish I could give you all a big hug!

Aeify

Can't wait to be off!

So far (even though I love my job) this year I feel like I'm at war. The constant stress of being understaffed and treated as though I can do the job of three or four different people some days feels like it will do me in. They have finally hired people. Maybe enough people to stop the madness for some of us (or me, I can handle working two places in the clinic, just not three at one time). I'm not sure though. I had one trainee quit in the middle of her second day. I took it very personally and very badly.

The first girl that was trained is very unhappy. She got trained "on the job" but in the midst of the chaos that is to be her job, while I was working as well. The following trainees are getting two days completely devoted to training and then are being thrust in front off all the clients to meet demands as they can.

I was trained in the first manner, and it served me well. I am hoping the second works for our new recruits. I have one more to train on Monday and Tuesday and then I am off with my lovely Penny for 4 days! I can't wait!!! I am already past the point of feeling like if one person asks me to be responsible for or to do one more thing that I might just lay down in the floor and scream until I pass out.

The only peace I can summon comes when I craft. This does NOT lead to good quality time with Penny and I feel like she has been the gathering place for my stress and grumpiness because I've heard my named yelled over and over and over and over again with different orders behind it. Sometimes you just snap and that's NEVER the right answer at work. One day this week I made some remarks to my sweet and lovable Penny that no spouse should make.

I'm lucky she understands, and forgives. It's not me. It's the PTSD version that is near to collapse. They won't ask me to work throught time they have given me as off, of that I am assured so the vacation is mine. I can't wait to feel like a lady again myself instead of this wrung out shell of a person who has had so much taken, they have hardly anything to give. I have several new outfits to wear thanks to a 5.00 sale "rack" at Torrid online. AND these are clothes that didn't even button when I ordered them but look great now. I do miss you all and thank you for being understanding about the fact that life happens.

Hugs!

Another good day together!

Penny and I usually share this as our one day off together per week, today we had the nicest day (mostly because at least I went to bed VERY early last night so I could function today). We even made it to a movie together (I liked it, Penny not so much but oh well). We went to see The Adjustment Bureau and SPOILER ALERT: it is a love story more than a crazy sci-fi government conspiracy like I thought it would be.  I actually got so touched I cried.

We were going to see Rango but as we got to the theatre, I remembered (seeing all the small kids) that it was Spring Break and we had already chosen The Adjustment Bureau as our second choice.

It was a lovely (warmer than I expected day) and we were both SO GLAD to spend some time in the sun! Hugs everyone...

The lady I am training right now is really doing a good job so fingers crossed they get trainee number two in soon because I really want to get that over with. It's exactly what I was doing this time last year, only it started December 1 of 2009 and I trained person after person until April 4th (none of them had done this well or cared this much though so I'm really happy about that).

Love to you all and thanks for all the lovely comments.
Aeify

Do not be alarmed...

So I am really, really ashamed that I haven't been posting or blog-hopping more lately. It's not that I don't want to, I just have a lot going on with work, some of it exciting and ALL of it STRESS-FULL!! I haven't been promoted to the position I've been working really hard for, but I do get to do a lot or all of that job everyday with the positions I've held prior thrown in and to say I'd like to go crawl under a rock and change my own name is an understatement!!  They've been "working" on hiring a couple of people for quite a while and now someone else just quit out of the blue. This really leaves us short- handed oh and to top things off, I am supposed to start training someone today and I have been summoned for jury duty starting tomorrow (or tomorrow is the first in a couple of steps anyway).

Penny and I have had a lot going on but none of it negative with one another. She's been having a rough time and though things are wonderful between us, my dear lover has had a really hard time of things in general. Finally things are on an upswing and I just don't think I should be more detailed than that. You girls know how that is right?
My hair is growning back really quickly (yay). I did like the cut but now it's at an awkward weird short Princess Di stage and I'd rather that be over soon.

Hugs everyone!

Good News and bad hair...

So as much as I loved my hair, I got pics made of me last night that made me really, really not like it. It looks like it's a lot of effort and very styled and well, that's not really me. The good news is my wildly growing locks are already longer, so that is good. I think the next "style" I'm going to shoot for is a super short bob. Maybe by my birthday (in May) ok, maybe not that soon, but I'll keep you posted.  The funny thing really is how much my hair acts like my father's hair. I always knew that my hair was thick and dark like his, but seeing some of the same cowlicks now that my hair is so short is kind of funny. (And weird)

Things have been nice around here lately. My class is going really well and I've gotten to do some awesome work at work. I feel like I prove a little more every day how serious I am about my education there and people seem to be noticing. This is all very very good, but kind of boring to blog about. Penny cooked the most wonderful cubed steak on Friday, it was MELT IN YOUR MOUTH GOOD!

Just wanted to give you all a quick update, sorry it's a little boring.
Hugs!

Thoughts on new hair...

So a couple of months ago Penny and I went shopping and we both got a wig. Hers was longer hair than mine, and both were flattering to us. She has worn hers a few times, and I've tried to wear mine, but when I did, my own hair kept showing in the back, I really needed to get my neck shaved a bit for it.
I needed a bit of a haircut anyway, it was starting to look lifeless and like just a thick wall of hanging crap (to me anyway). Don't get me wrong, I love when it's long but mostly so I can put it up LOL!
I told you there'd been depression in our house as well, right?

I got my haircut yesterday. A major haircut. I'm not one of those people who says she got it all cut off and then you see them and wonder if they had an entire inch taken off or what LOL!

Yesterday morning I kept trying to get it to lay down slick and smooth and it just WOULD NOT, for the second or third day in a row. I decided when I left the house for work I'd have it cut at lunchtime, really short. I was the first one to work with a key and when I got out of the car, the wind made sure to block my entire face with my hair so I announced to my coworkers that I was letting in that I would be getting a haircut. When asked how short, (no offense meant to anyone ok) I said "man short."

I went to my local walk in place that I have liked since my "regular" hairdresser fell off the face of the earth and told the girl I wanted ALL of it cut off (it WAS past my shoulders). She was so nice and pulled out some books (she didn't believe I wanted it really really short). I flipped a couple of pages and pointed to a style, she said "You really do want it all off." That was true so she started cutting, and cutting, and cutting some more. When she asked if the back was short enough, I pointed to the pic to have her take it up behind my ears.

It was awesome, I don't think there's a hair on my head that is two inches long now. It didn't turn out exactly like the pic, it wasn't as blunt as the pic on the sides, but it'll grow out, I can now wear my wig with no hair sticking out, and I washed my hair and towel dried it into looking great no brush required.

I LOVE IT!

Penny, who is a daysleeper only got an email warning from me about this major change.

I hope she likes it, it usually takes a day or so for a drastic change like that to be taken in and evaluated, we've been married for long enough that I don't even try to guess how she feels about it ahead of time. I know I like it and that alone is good. She DOES think short hair is sexy. (Long hair btw is beautiful.)

I would also like to say that even though I have had short hair before, I don't think it has EVER been this short.

Whew.

hugs

Week by week.

So I've had a ton going on here with my new school semester (AWESOME semester what with learning to place an IV and clip and scrub for surgery, send up doggy prayers for our one and only because she got to be my pincushion last week even though my coworkers tried to guilt me out of it, LOL). That has been very exciting. I've been working on scrappy/ crafty projects and even impressed Penny with some of my flowers, I'll post one for you:

This is one I'm really proud of, but it is REALLY simple! Just paper and a some stuff called GlimmerMist.

I want to learn a  couple of other kinds of flowers, one of which I've never heard of anyone else making. I'll let you know how it turns out. I'd love to do something original!

There's been a bit of depression in the household lately and I'm trying my best to show my love and support in ways that aren't obtrusive. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say, but I am pretty sure she knows. 

Ok, this is starting to be way to reflective, has everyone gotten the emails from Ulta and Sephora so you know what's on sale for Valentine's Day? Also have you ladies experienced the European Bead Bracelet Craze? I am so freaking to have one of these lovlies, one of my scrappy friends showed up at a crop with a full bracelet and so last weekend I spent hours looking at all the different kinds of beads and bracelets you can get. There are fancy "name brand" ones like Troll and Pandora, but you can get other beads and that's what my scrappy friends were doing. They were just throwing caution to the wind and buying whatever beads they liked from places like Pugster.com.

Let me know what you think of the bracelets, or what you are doing for your lovely self for the holiday of love. 

Let me share with you the most romantic thing I have ever gotten from Penny. One year I got a vase full of white tulips from her... it was February 16th (ok, now this is killing me it was either the 13th or the 16th but I'm 99 percent sure it was the 16th) with a card that read "Because I love you everyday."

I can't tell you how many jealous stares I got from the other ladies in the office, I also can't tell you how loved and special it made me feel. 

I love you so much Penny!

Hugs

Again, I should be sleeping.

Let me catch you up a little. Penny's first foray into the Pioneer Woman style of cooking was delicious and VERY spicy. We had a little talk about how generous to be when told to just add something that is known to be hot. I did like it though, and would eat it again right now! YUM the leftovers lasted a couple of days (hers are family recipes, not ones for just the two of us) and were even better the next day. I loved that it was chock full of pineapple and pepper and that the meatballs were so uniform in size.

That was the fun stuff...

Everything has been work and school. Not enough time with my lover. I need some quality time with her!

Hugs!

Winter WONDERland!

Last week was a really exciting week for me at work. I actually got to do the job that I want to do for two whole days! It did make me appreciate my solitude in the kennel, but helping the docs actually practice medicine on our sweet and even on the not so sweet (I got bit by both a dog and a cat one day) patients. I have been told that this is how I am going to be able to transition to the treatment area so I guess there are going to be many more days I go in and SURPRISE I'm a tech for the day.

 :)

That being said my next online class starts today and I'm excited and dreading the fact that this super procrastinator has to try and get it done again. LOL!

I hope that 2011 is going great for everyone so far. I am thinking it is going fantastic for myself. Because the tech shift is a longer one and frankly the days I have done it so far I have come home completely exhausted and worn out, Penny is going to be taking over some of the cooking duties. Since she doesn't have as much experience in this area, I have referred her to The Pioneer Woman who has the ability to make my mouth water over the internet! MMMMMM!

We had snow here at our little home in the south yesterday and are expecting more tomorrow. So I'm gonna have to go put on extra warm socks and crank up the car. You will be happy to know that the certainty of snow made me a cooking maven yesterday morning. After the morning kennel shift I cooked homemade Chili from scratch, Shells with Cheese (also from scratch and not a box!), and some cornbread. Ah, Penny and I have tummies that are in heaven indeed.

Hugs to you all!

Happy 2011!

I hope you all had a lovely time ringing in the new year! We had a lovely evening playing board games with some friends. This is actually quite a deal at our house, because it's been simply forever since we even had the night off together. It was really nice and I had a lot of fun. We haven't had a lot of Pennytime together lately because of the holidays and I am really looking forward to settling back into our routine without tons of me not being at home.
:)

Yes, I am the traveller, the one who has to run a couple of states away while my dearest stays home and works. It's something that has happened for so long I barely remember what we did before Penny had a job that required people to work over the holidays. Oh well, whatever works, right?

I did pretty good with my holiday depression this year. I didn't go in as deeply as normal which was great! I got a really bad cold with fever and cough for Christmas (thanks Santa) and so I am just now feeling normal. I was sure to share with Penny (cause that's what happens when you're married, you share everything) and so FINALLY we are both starting to feel better and not be so irritable and short with one another (got to be my least favorite thing about being sick at the same time).

I mention holiday depression because (well first because it happens to me) I know it happens to a LOT of people. And it happens for different reasons. Mine is tied to family and how our traditions have changed and missing those that we can't be with anymore.
That is just me, I am not trying to drag anyone else into my personal thing here, but sometimes people just need to know that it happens to someone else.

I don't have a lot of resolutions this year, mainly to be healthy and I have some crafty ones, but they don't really apply here LOL!

Acceptance is something I really learned about int 2010. I hope that in 2011 that I can not only learn how to show more acceptance to those I know, but to those I don't know. I would like to think that as I meet new people in the world that they will know that I mean what I say and I treat others as I wish to be treated no matter how they present.

Happy New Year.