Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Hardest Thing to Say

I know that some of you are probably wondering where I/we have been and what has been going on. I am hear to tell you.  I stopped blogging regularly because it got to the point where it wasn't helping. Or at least it wasn't helping me. From my conversations with my lovely Penny, I felt it was drawing too much attention and it put an awkwardness between us which I couldn't stand. Also, she was afraid for my safety from the trolls. 

She always tried to keep me safe, and bless her...with my mouth that was never easy.

Trans issues were a major part of our life in the last couple of years. Trolls on the interwebs have been particularly vicious and terrorizing to many that used to feel free to work out their thought processess and feelings through the wonderful world of blogging. I know that when Penny felt it was a safe activity it brought her no end of happiness. The trolls pushed her to a private blog quite a while ago and she only left the open invite for a very, very short time because she was afraid of who might "get in."  The first private blog was short lived and there were in fact several others. I wasn't invited after the first one because she had issues she thought might upset me. She had problems she wanted to be anonymous and just write it all out and if strangers came then they would be unbiased.

Penny had a lot going on and only a portion of it was trans.

I lost my Penny on 11/26.

She is gone and I am alone. I mean, not really alone because of all the wonderful friends and family but I truly felt that we had "a perfect love."  My heart aches and is sick at the thought of having to drive back home to an empty house, I have been in the state of our birth for several days now with our oldest friends. They were part of that special secret list of people to "tell."  I can't bring myself to tell them because I know Penny felt it was important to do it herself. I know they won't even care about "the secret" but it just doesn't feel right. I was mostly really good before the service on Sunday but yesterday everything just took a kind of major downturn. I know it's going to be ok, and yes I know I probably need some professional help, right now I just have to figure out how to sit in a car for four hours by myself.  I so want to do this alone. It would be what I now call "more normal."

I wanted to tell you all sooner, but I've just said the word so many times and it has so much power built into it that it hurts too bad to keep saying.

She did take her own life. It was not just a trans thing, it never was just that...there was just so much more. Please know that she admires all of the bloggers who don't give in to the terrorizing trolls. Please know how important you all are.  I so wish this was more coherent but I wanted to tell you all so bad.



  1. I'm glad I could be a tiny fragment of your support group.

    I'd like to leave a little rose for Penny.


  2. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Aeify.


  3. Aeify, I have so much to say to you but it's the kind of stuff best said face-to-face, across a table over coffee. The love you two had for each other showed in both blogs and, indeed, you have been a poster girl for other wives out there who have tried to deal with "it".

    It's obvious you have much more love to give. It's not going to be easy for you over the next few weeks, but you're strong and I know you are going to be alright.

    Whatever Penny's issues were, you know she is now at peace with herself.

    Now, girl, you need to grieve, survive the holidays and then get on with your life because you have so much more to live for.

    Thanks for everything you have done for Penny and the trans community.

    Calie xx

  4. That was plenty coherent, Aeify. And I'm glad that you made it home, in what ever manner.

    Be sure to ask for help when you need it. You don't have to go it alone. You have friends. We'll talk again soon.

  5. I join dear friends Leslie Ann, Calie, Lynn, Meg and countless quiet others in loss Aeify.

    You had the greatest gift of company from Penny, and pay now for it with the greatest loss.

    I can't imagine where the consolation may come from. Be sure that the grace with which you are expressing here consoles your friends and the whole damned universe. Thanks sincerely for that, and for the abundance of love you have, and always had, for Penny.

    Warmly yours,


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