Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Manual Mode

I love rules and instructions. I'm kind of lost that there isn't a clear set of instructions on what to do now and loads LOADS of things that I've seen women who were widowed before me make such perfect sense now. It's not like this, but you can compare it sort of to a really bad breakup, one you had when you were about 16 and it felt like your life was over. Kind of. I'm not the most organized and together person on the best of days, if that tells you anything about me on the worst of days so be it.

I can't thank all you ladies enough for your messages of love and sympathy. I wish I could have all of you in one room to share your shoulders at the same time. I do have good days, but Christmas about did me in, as did the phone call from my sister yesterday. She said she could see the hurt I tried to hide, and it's ok. I really haven't been trying to hide anything, I just want to live, and feel good, and be normal.

I'm really usually a very happy person and I just want to be that happy lady who smiles and jokes and laughs. Not doing that won't bring my Penny back. Nothing will. I have had some other things happen the last couple of weeks, ok last week... I had a car accident and now I have a grandfather who is dying. Gosh ladies, I really really just want all the bad over with so that after the first of the year things can get better.

My bestie told me last night I'm depressed, which I denied. But I know if she sees it in me then it must be true. I mean who wouldn't be at this point? But I have our girls to take care of and those fourlegged ones mean the world to me (even when they are being annoying). I just wish there was a clearly written timeline on how long all this is going to take, and that I had some more vacation time and could go hide on a beach somewhere drinking cute drinks with fruit and pineapple and lying in the sun, and I don't even like the sun that much, the Vitamin D just sounds like it would make me feel better :)!



  1. I think that in other eras, mourning was in large part a piece of societal etiquette, done for the benefit of others. Now, though, mourning is an individual matter, and personal variance is accepted. By which I mean, if it feels right, do it. This is your process.

    Love ya,

  2. Leslie is right on the money. No surprise of course. Go your own way, you always have yes?

    Trite to say just now, but I do hope for you a good new year.

    xoxo - Petra

  3. Gosh, Leslie says it so well. You need this period right now. Call it depression if you wish, but you need to mourn your loss and then get on with your life as that fun loving person you are. The beach sounds really good right now. Perhaps you can find a friend to do it with and make it happen.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your car accident and your grandfather.

    Just keep the faith, sweetie.

    Calie xxx


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