For the Record

Oh my, you have all been so very sweet and kind with your comments and emails! I really appreciate each and everyone who took time. It's been so much fun getting to know you. I feel like I have my own personal group of cheerleaders! Let me set the record straight right now and let you know...Penny most certainly appreciates me.

I am so fortunate to have found Penny. We truly complete each other! She shows me constantly how much she loves me. She tells me everyday how much she loves and appreciates all that I do (and really, I don't feel like I do anything). I feel like I am the lucky one in the relationship.

I don't know any other couples who have the freedom (not really sure this is the right word here, but I'm not sure which other one works) that we give to one another. If I want to travel across a couple of states to visit friends or family and Penny has to work, then off I go. It's been this way the entire span of our marriage. We've even inspired other married couples that if you want to go somewhere and your spouse doesn't want to or can't for some reason, then it's ok. Traveling somewhere alone doesn't make you less of a married couple, it means you trust each other.

I'm not saying I've never been jealous, but I do try very hard not to give in to that petty emotion. We chose to be with one another. We both gave it very serious thought. We had serious talks about how the "rest of our lives" would go, or what we expected from one another. We agreed on the important things. We also agreed that we'd never have to see eye to eye on other things like matters of politics or have the same favorite SEC football team (hey, we are in the south ok).

It works for us. I couldn't have dreamed up a better marriage as a child. I didn't actually. The sad thing is I am constantly amazed at the love (and lust) I feel fourteen years later. (Almost fourteen and a half!) I never knew it could be this good. I sincerely wish what we have on every person who gets married.

It does take work (everything does not, I repeat does not just magically go smoothly, lots of things require discussion and thought and more discussion). I am not "perfect", but Penny and I are perfect for each other. I do think a large part of what makes us such a great couple is that I accept all that Penny is. I do not think that it could be this great if I didn't want to actively be a part of every aspect of her life. I think she'd know in an instant if I lied or was faking. I am so thankful that I have Penny. I couldn't have "ordered" a better spouse.

Hugs,
Aeify

It's U-nonymous!

I love the world wide web, internet, interweb...whatever you call it. I first came to messageboards by way of my hobby, which is scrapbooking. It has been very sorely neglected lately. I have kind of a one track mind and since becoming more and more interested over at cd.com I've been less creative with paper and scissors. I've been really introspective as of late, and also really disappointed that I didn't reach some personal crafty goals that I set for myself this year. Ok, that being said, Penny is AMAZED by how much more "techie" I have become since starting my creative hobby. 

Playing with paper and scissors and adhesive (when you're as serious as I am you can't just use "glue" LOL) has opened up a whole new world for me and I am so in love! Penny tried for years to get me to be more "interactive" with the whole online thing and now, years later I am. It may have taken me forever, but it's "on like Donkey Kong" now!

My favorite thing about the web and mbs and blogs is that you can be as anonymous as you like. Very few in this particular community are ready to have everyone know the names on their birth certificates and loads are in the "closet" to not only their friends, but to some even their families (you know how I feel about the SO thing and if you don't you need to read more of my posts, but the sooner your partner knows, the better for many reasons!!!) don't know. Penny has only recently come out to our closest friends and they have been amazing about the whole thing! 

A. Perfect is my online persona that reflects who I am as far as Penny is concerned. We share the last name because we are in fact legally married, and I wanted to keep that ol as well. The A. stands for Aeify (pronounced Eye-feye) and is the respelling of an Irish Faerie name that I plucked out of a book many, many years ago and is special to me. The name I have chosen for myself online represents how I see myself with my mind's eye and may or may not reflect what anyone else sees while looking at me.

I think that is how we all choose our anonymous online "names".  I love that google, yahoo, hotmail, and a bucketload of other sites have free available emails for you to be able to have a way for people to contact you that you may not want showing up on your cell or home phone. I love google chat. (ok, I really really love google) and want to let you know that if you see me online, you are more than welcome to chat with me anytime! If you ever just want someone to talk to you can email me...I am a freak and check email all the time, I will usually write you back the same day (unless you email after I'm asleep, this email thing is a first thing in the morning, right before I sleep thing for me...yes I'm a freak).

I think everyone should feel free to have an email linked to their google friend connect or some way for people who want to get to know you better to connect. You never have to keep a password stored in a computer of any kind. My aperfectluv is not. No one has access to it but me and I sign in and out every single time. It's very liberating. I can comment on all of your blogs and email you and it's much less scary than thinking that I could "out" someone just because a friend of mine see's you as my "friend".  Only our couple of accepting and in-the-know friends even know our online personas. They check our blogs to check up on us even though we talk frequently. 

If you don't have an email for your femme self, I encourage you to get one. Have a blast with your online persona. Nobody gets to know who you are offline unless you decide to invite them out. That's how we made our friend R from cd.com. I wouldn't trade her for anything, but I love each and every ol only friend too! 

Oh yes, you are more than welcome to comment and Anonymous here, but I would encourage you to at least let yourself be free here on the good old www.  It's as good as hiding in plain site. Trust me, no one will know. (As long as you remember to sign out when you're done.)

Hugs,

Aeify

Considering Barest Compromise

I have been thinking a lot about shaving lately (again). I am still shocked and amazed that anyone would get terribly upset because their spouse shaved their body hair (yes, they do...really) I have been trying and trying to get someone to explain this to me in a way I could understand and perusing blogs to find out more.

If a person want to shave, by golly, they should be allowed to shave. I never deterred from plucking my sad monobrow (thanks mom) into two proper brows even when Penny used to tell me to just leave it alone and quit worrying about it (when we were first married, but in her defense, she really loves me just as I am... one eyebrow or two). I rip out my moustache every time I can see it and I usually have to get her to pull the muslin strip off of side number two because I'm a wuss! I shave when I feel stubble or when the stubble gets visible so at minimum a couple of times per week anyway. 

These things are for ME! I hope that Penny enjoys them as well. I hope she appreciates the fact that I don't just wander around like a hairy monster with only one eyebrow and a giant hairy mustache, but I don't even think about it as being for her. I do these things so that I can be happy with me. 

I look around at photos on the net and see the lovely smooth legs and read the glowing praises of stockings over freshly shaven skin and I can truly appreciate that sentiment. I will never be able to accept and understand someone who would dictate personal grooming to their spouse.

So you wanted a manly man, does he have to feel like a grizzly bear...really??? Why do you get to decide. If you want hairy, grow your own hair out. You don't have to walk around with it, why should your SO.

I keep re-reading the Tri-Ess bill of rights. Number 5 gives the right to a husband's masculine body. Cyclists, Body Builders, Swimmers and Bikers (bicycle riders) all shave their legs. These are thought of as "masculine" men. I believe this right is focused more on changes that could be brought about by the taking of hormones.

This being said, I agree completely with the Tri-Ess's honesty policy. You have to be totally upfront with your SO no matter what the consequences of that action. Everyone who keeps it a secret from their SO runs the risk of hurting, and the hurting is the most damaging to the relationship. Story after story from SO's are about the lies. The cheating done with the "other woman" who was in fact the person they loved, just a different part.

Think about it, have your SO write to me if she doesn't like that part of you. I love a good discussion. 

Hugs!

The rise and fall of hemlines.

I know I have mentioned crossdressers.com before, but I really want you to know just how important this forum is for me. I know that in the beginning, I didn't exactly know where all this was heading and that we went from occasional recreational "undie" enjoyment together to Penny dressing when I wasn't home (her comfort level, not mine...just want everyone to understand that I have never been uncomfortable around the dressing). To really just recently "full" presentation with makeup and chicken cutlets. You don't have to join that forum, I just want to make sure that if you don't have a support group set up, they are there (I'll be your friend!)


I have a small sample of blogs (I know most of you came here by way of Penny's and I thank you for that). I am constantly sampling more and adding... in case you wanna know other places to hang. I think the community involvement is very important. I didn't know that cders go through what seems to be an accelerated "teenage" stage. That's really NOT the best name for it, but us ciswomen have years of public disgrace days where we show the world our bad hair and makeup (not to mention clothing) choices, and we grow and learn with our community of cisgirls and women around advising and "helping" us out.


People NEED the advice and support of others. No one is born knowing what shade of eyeshadow may or may not work for them or what skirt is too short to be considered "appropriate" (seriously, have you seen any of those teeny tiny things the teens are wearing now, sheesh). I am just so very grateful that in these cyber days we have now, we can reach out and touch the lives of others. I love the fact that anyone can create an anonymous email and otherwise "web persona" in order to reach their trans-siblings anywhere. I love that blogs are free and easy to put up and that people are willing to share stories and instructionals and even to establish friendships with people they would otherwise never connect with.

How I've grown...

Wow, to look at myself a few months ago and think of all I knew of cding, transgender issues, etc....
It's kind of sad how ignorant I was, what with the internet here in my lap and all.
I had never even thought to look it up, accepting SO that I am. I bought clothing that was for "girls" and not so much for "women." I didn't really pry enough into what Penny wanted as her "aesthetic" or maybe she didn't know yet.
Her tastes have become very nice, mature and very nice, outfits that I'd wear myself if my waist were that small (good thing we don't wear the same size LOL).
Her makeup skills are becoming fierce and now we've really gotten into accessorizing. I just recently bought her some jewelry.

I didn't even think of it before. She didn't wear it in drab and had never brought it up. But I'm paying attention. Thanks to some other lovely ladies out there (yes L, thanks to you especially), I got to thinking that she may in fact like some jewels to go with her outfits.
I got her some gray pearls. A necklace that can be worn long or knotted for more interest and to make it shorter and a set of three pearl bracelets (they have different sized pearls) which can be worn together or seperate or layered with other bracelets.

She liked the bracelets the most. I know for a fact she really likes them because she has worn them repeatedly.

She also got more jewelry over Labor Day Weekend. She picked some awesome stuff and we did put a few things back but I was super impressed with her selections (I really liked them all and wouldn't have thought she'd go for all of them).

This proves to me that like myself, it's those little things that count so very much. The clothes she has picked out for me while we were together are my favorite ones. They make me feel beautiful even if I didn't before I put them on.

She gets me, I just hope I develop in "getting" her the same way. I want her to love everything I pick out for her as well.

Wishing you all someone who surprizes you with some small trinket of affection, you all deserve it.

Hugs,
Aeify

Panties and bra...

So I have already stated that the beginning of my own journey with a crossdressing partner started with the sharing of a sexual fantasy of MINE. What I didn't know in the beginning is that this was not a purely sexual thing.

For me, it was. And was for years and years.

Even though we have had the internet for most of our married life (just a while in the beginning when it wasn't really weird for people to still not have it really), I had never once looked up crossdressing, transvestite, or anything to do with those subjects.

I happily and freely admit that it still turns me on. I don't remember exactly when we took the first step beyond lingerie. I know they were my clothes (we used to wear the same size, but now Penny is much slimmer than me). I don't even remember what they were. I know we have shockingly only moved on to full dress with makeup recently.

I know that the day I suggested "chicken cutlets" was a major deal and that even though I could tell she wanted them to fill out the bra cups, she still had to take some time to think about them before she agreed they were a good idea.

All that being said, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have Penny relaxed and comfortable beside me. I love when she is around because I know that too much time without her and the stress and worry affect our relationship as well as her ability to sleep (Penny is an insomniac).  I worry about everyone out there who's partner is unaccepting. I worry how this affects their day to day life and how much better not only their life and relationship would be if they were allowed to fully be themselves with the person they have chosen as their life partner. I know Penny would only be a shell of her true self and honestly, I don't think I could take it, knowing this side of things. I don't know if she could either.

Is it that I'm not feminine?

This is a common question that seems to come about from genetic girl partners of transgendered men. It is a question that I personally struggle with from time to time. When I look at my role models from childhood I always remember what I thought then: "Mama is in charge" and "Women rule the household. "It may shock you that I had these thoughts as I was raised in a definite Southern Baptist household, but that's how it appeared at my house.

I never once thought of my parents as anything other than there presented gender. On thinking back, maybe I think I'm so masculine at times because after passing puberty and deciding that screaming like a madwoman wasn't any way to get what you want out of life. I tried to emulate my father more and more.

He's a very quiet person most of the time but outgoing and kind. I never felt like he prejudged people at all. In fact I didn't "know" for a long time that people I was related to had prejudices about race or sexual orientation. (There are some slight horror stories from my teenage years when I discovered these in my mom.)

My wonderful father always said it was important to understand that we are all just people. No matter how wealthy or poor, or color of your skin. I don't ever remember him mentioning sexual orientation. What I would like to believe is that he would have the same opinion on this as well. I have never been really uncomfortable (not until more recent years anyway) of speaking to anyone in regards to social station. I used to work at a place where we had Senators and Representatives as clients, and I just talked to them like they were anyone else. Now celebrities do make me nervous. I lose my cool and don't really know how to be myself around them, but I am sure that is just because I have mentally put them up on a dais somewhere in my own mind LOL! (Good thing I've only met a couple of celebrities huh?)

Back to my topic though, being feminine is a very subjective thing. One could argue that cleaning one's home is femme, but I don't feel at all masculine if I ask Penny to clean the litterboxes or wash dishes.

What we must strive to do is release the fact that our Spouse/SOs dress as females has NOTHING at all to do with US! (I know, I also sometimes have a problem thinking everything is all about me.) But the fact is it doesn't. This is just one more reason I don't understand why more SOs are not completely accepting. It's nothing we've done or pushed you to. Nothing that we don't do. I am me. I wear makeup when I want and that's not very often. Quite often Penny wears it more times per week than I do; I don't let this make me feel weird. She has asked me on an occasion or two to wear it for something special (like the night she proposed), and this didn't make me feel weird, or put upon, or even like she was trying to change me.

So why would I try to change her?

I do struggle with that question in my head sometimes, but that is me and my heart knows it!

What about the children?

Thanks so much for all of your comments ladies! It means the world to me that I actually said something to make people think and respond. I have been noticing another trend which all of you are probably aware of, but as I am new to the idea of being a part of a "community" I am finding it a little shocking.

Let me preface this by saying it is not meant to insult ANYONE! (this means you)

I have been reading loads that people are still in unhappy relationships because they have children.

I am a product of divorced parents. They liked it so much they got married to each other and divorced twice! I do remember a couple of the years they were happy. But the majority of memories I have of my parents are:

1. The fights, the terrible rage filled screaming fits (all my mom's). She would rage out of control set off by the least little thing (like the fact that dad was watching one ball game on tv and listening to another on the radio but he hadn't heard her ask him to take out the garbage).

2. The days they didn't fight where the only time they were in the same room, was mealtime. We would eat dinner then daddy would retire to the "den" to watch sports and we (the girls) would go to a smaller bedroom converted to tv room and watch our ladies shows with the door shut.

This had a great impact on me. When I repeatedly heard and saw my mom telling my dad how stupid he was, for a while I believed it. My 13 to 18 year old years were especially hard as those were the years I learned my mom was a cheater and my dad had known and stayed with her despite the fact that he was being humiliated and that people knew. (I do have siblings, but they are 13-10 years older than me and by this time they didn't live at "home" anymore).

They divorced the year I turned 14. They dated a lot after that. One night I couldn't take it anymore and asked them to sit on the couch in front of me. I asked them to stop dating because they knew they couldn't be married and live together and it hurt me too much to see them like that. Knowing it could never be. Although it really made me happy they could get along as long as they weren't married.

They didn't date anymore after that. Although I still had years to go before I could repair what I felt I'd done wrong to my father, and especially after he told me why they got divorced and I hated both of them for about 18 months (my mom just picked me up from a friend's house one day and told me we had a new home... that's how I found out they were getting divorced).

After they divorced it was like I had two parents again. They weren't focused on fighting each other, they were so much happier (ok my dad was really sad because he still loved ... and I think he still does love my mom although they are both remarried). But we were all happier because there weren't those constant flareups of anger. There wasn't a house filled with tension so thick you could see and smell it everywhere.

I still knew they loved me. I think they even felt freer to show it as they didn't have to vie for my attention, only ask me if I wanted to do something with them and I usually said yes to whichever asked me. It was a relief to me as an adolescent. I have now met many, many people who have also come from divorced parents. General consensus seems the same for all of us. Those whose parents divorced while they were younger seemed to be able to work through it all sooner than those who were older.

I am grateful to be in a marriage where the pattern my parents had is not repeating. I have a sister who has now been married four times to four different men. She doesn't seem to be able to see what the problems she keeps having are. I myself dated people and repeated my Mom's disrespect pattern until one day I realized that I didn't have to do that. I have a brother and another sister who are married to the only person they've ever been with and seem content to stay with that person forever.

Just because you have children, doesn't mean you are doing them a service to stay in an unhappy marriage. There are other studies out there to prove what I am telling you. Don't waste your life trying to suppress what is in you. If love something, set it free...

Your kids just want your love and support. You don't have to be married to their other parent to provide that.  Give them credit and raise them to be open-minded about everything. That is the best way to insure that future generations of transgendered people being allowed to live their lives any way they see fit.

Hugs

What is love?

I must say that I have often wondered what love is... how do we love people. There seem to be so many different kinds of love. I have loads of sibling love. (It's pretty fierce too.) There are special people in my life that I have added to my arsenal of people I can call for any reason, and know that they will be there for me. I do have actual siblings. I have three "birth" siblings that I can count on for most anything, one adopted that adores me but is very very young, one step-sibling that would be there if I called and even drove to across a state line one time when Penny and I had car trouble and needed help.

I have some friends, not many but quality over quantity here, that if I just said I need you, they would drop everything and come running. They have and they'd do it again. And I'd do anything for them. Sometimes it doesn't even get to the asking point. When I say I'd fight for them, I mean it. I am very very passionate about people who are close to me. Sometimes to my detriment. I have learned over the years how to hold grudges and the like. Oh and I have a fuse like a pressure cooker.

I have recently added to this friends list. I call it love. Fierce and protective as a mother bear is how I feel about these friend/siblings.

Penny I hold above all others in a special place. Even when it is something hard to say outloud, or if I am depressed. My heart swells to overflowing with my love for her. She is my best friend. She was my best friend before she was ever my lover. She is the one I want to spend time with. I have been accused of being "up her butt" (figuratively, not literally). I crave time with her still, after all these years of marriage.

I want her to be happy. I want her to be proud of me, as I am of her. I love that everything we have, we have because we have worked for it. I love that we share Penny and that she feels comfortable enough to even let me make her face up sometimes although she is rapidly improving her skills to a degree I feel like she won't even want that soon.

I love the magical, dizzy feeling I get when we kiss. I never thought it would last this long. I believe now that it will always be there.

I don't know how everyone who couples up doesn't have this. I will admit I had relationships before that I thought were love and in fact I think were a kind of love, but not this heady, wonderful ever after kind of love that we share. (ok, so I am not inside her head but I'm pretty sure she feels the same way)

I love that I know for sure that we are not just together because it is easier. I love that being used to one another and it just being easier to stay together isn't what keeps us together.

I want everyone to have what we have. I think it is worth waiting for and worth fighting for, and I don't see why people get married for less than what they always wanted.

I also want you to know that as wonderful as it all is, we sometimes disagree. I turn into a shrieking harpy that is terrified her spouse wants to leave her. There is no real reason for this, I blame it on being a "woman" I really hope no one takes offense to that. Even when it happens I can usually somewhere in my head be found screaming at myself to be still and quiet and go away and stop being ridiculous and irrational.

It's important for me to say this so that you know I am real, I am human. We are a real couple and though we are so very happy most of the time, we are not actually "perfect". I don't trust married couples who claim they never fight. Passion is a powerful thing and it comes out in the craziest ways.

Love encompasses all these things to me. The loving, the fighting, the passionate crazy anger. I fight with my siblings (both birth and self-imposed). But I would never let anyone else fight with them without jumping in with both feet.

I have had many violent and terrible daydreams about how to treat people who have in the slightest way hurt those I care about and secretly fear one day I'll be put in prison for ripping someone's hair out by the roots (this would be really messy).

I pray for you all to know unconditional love, and to be able to accept that love for what it is. Know that first you have to love yourself. Accept yourself, every part. Sorry I'm feeling so sappy this evening.