I believe you.

Today Penny told me she was so glad I had brought up the crossdressing issue first in our relationship. I have every bit of faith (based on everything we did share before we tied the knot) that she would have told me even if I had not brought it up first. It was/is important that we move forward together with honesty above all.

I get really sad when I hear that someone is married to someone who is unaccepting. It always makes me wonder why they stay together. Everyone has different reasons and I've heard loads of them. I am learning that CDers in general have lots of things in common and this facinates me. I wonder how many men I've dated or lusted after were closet CDers. 

Things that really mess with my mind...

If you love someone, really love someone...how can you want them to have some "secret" life in which you have no part?

If you love someone, how could you keep such a secret in the first place? Why wouldn't you want someone that you've asked to share your life to know all of you?

If that person says no, or asks you to hide who you are...do they love you?

Why would you establish a "permanent" relationship with someone who wants you to not be yourself?

Do you think that if all the cders came out of their closets tomorrow, you'd find as many ladies who love them?

Is it wrong for me to have all these questions?

Hugs

One week ago today.

One week ago today I met the second admitted cder that I have "known" about in person. Not only did I meet this person, I met... her. I have only known R as her femme self and I adore her completely.
She is the first online friend Penny and I have ever met. I hope she is the first of many. I so happy she doesn't think of me as freaky freak who just blurts out whatever she is thinking and has no qualms about asking deeply personal questions.(I just do that) I've never been one to play games, and I have no intention of starting.

I am so happy to have this new relationship in my life as it's the first time I've ever been free to discuss ALL aspects relating to Penny and myself.

Girls do that you know, we talk.
We think men talk about their sex lives in detail because we do it with each other.
We have bragging rights about how awesome the sex is and what we do to and with our mates. (Or at least everyone I've ever gotten really close with does.)
Sex toys on the table, favorite positions, lube, flavored lube, battery operated vs non battery, plastic, silicone, glass, lingerie, sexy shoes, board games and feathers...

All of my previous friendships have been carefully edited versions of my own reality. I'm not complaining. I certainly have admitted to my own share of stuff. One friend in particular thinks I'm super uptight about "toys" LOL!

But now I can share whatever I want and not think that by mentioning satin gloves that my "friend" will hear that and understand the gloves were used on me and not by me and thereby "out" my spouse and our kink (LOL).

*Not that we have had any in detail sex discussion of this kind, just that I don't feel like I have to edit anything that I say and .... oh well, you get the picture.

We go out with R together tonight and I am so excited about it.
1. We will be out together.
2. We will be with R, and really sometimes it is just SO HARD to have a friend that you can share. I know lots of people I am friends with just get on Penny's last nerve. (You can't have everything in common with your spouse, where would the spice be?)
3. I'm getting to go to a restaurant I've been dying to go back to since last freaking summer...YAY!

I haven't made such fast friends (does everyone understand that expression?) in a long time. I feel both the rush of excitement that I don't know every single detail about R and I want to know everything. I feel like she has the unique perspective to give me on my own feelings about cding and how I react to different aspects of it. She is just so freaking lovely to look at! I am so proud to be with her out and about because I think it makes me feel like I am good enough to be seen with such a lovely lady! (seriously, back to the bi issue, I love that she thinks I am pretty enough to be her friend, or does that just make me sound shallow... does anyone else here have any leftover high school crap that makes you feel like some people are almost too perfect to want to be your friend? sheesh I'm really a freak).

We went to dinner last night and I showed off my stupid trivia self by telling R all about Col. Sanders, Dave Thomas and Lucille Ball. (are you laughing yet?) I am so comfortable around R. I don't know if I am surprised at that or not. I don't really know what I expected. I was really more "nervous" about meeting someone from ol than meeting a cder. I am so proud she goes out because friends, she is amazingly good looking and a bit self-conscience but with no need.

Um I really meant for this post to reflect on how grateful I am for my new friendship with R but it seems that this is just rolling out like one of my conversations with her...LOL!

Penny keeps telling me that I am some rare anomaly in the cd world. A totally accepting and encouraging spouse. I remind her and I shared with R that yes, I am accepting, I actually love it. Penny turns me on wether in drab or femme and my favorite thing in the WORLD is having lovely lipsticked lips pressing softly, ever so gently against mine. This is just the HOTTEST thing in the world and honestly, I'd love to hear anyone argue that point. There is nothing sexier!
I do have my own "baggage" that goes along with this, I mean t-girls generally evolve to such a fantastic point of presentation that they look SO much more perfect than us regular gals. How could I still be attractive to Penny? I showed R a photo of me in "drab" or without makeup and in my work clothes. She was so sweet and told me that I didn't look horrible like I had told her I did... when I meet her I put on my "game face". Do t-girls know that ggs, well I do anyway, wear makeup at times to feel more appropriate?
I mean most days I don't wear anything on my face. I'm lucky if I remember to wash and moisturize (I know, don't flinch...). But when I want to feel especially pretty or "powerful" in my womanhood, then I make up my face.

Maybe they understand this even better than I do. Opinions?

After the beginning

So I told you the story of our beginnings of the journey together, but lest you think that the road was just a beautiful ashphalt freeway without turns and stoplights and "road work" signs...let me just dispel those notions now.

When I told my lover that I secretly desired to see him in lingerie he gave me such a frightful reaction I thought our relationship was over. "Is that what you think when you look at me!?" (this is my nearest recollection to the exact wording)

He also said loads of other things that made me feel like a despicable worm for even voicing my innermost desire out loud in front of another human much less a human that I was yearning to spend the entire rest of my life with.

After he had a while to process and cool off and listen to me apologize while sobbing and begging for forgiveness, the truth came out. He was upset because I MUST have known, sensed or read his mind in some way. He thought because no one could possibly ever desire that in reality, much less someone he had found and loved that I MUST be making fun of him in some sick and twisted way.

Really??? yes!

It took many years of questioning and pondering for me to wrap my head around this one. I had never considered that the fact that this was a secret desire that "society" said was "wrong" in some way might actually make someone so paranoid about what they wanted in life. I'm a little ashamed that (as an intuitive and perceptive woman...see we are just people too) that it took me a really long time to get to a place where I wasn't just shocked at the reaction. But it did.

I will be always grateful for that night. It gave us a wonderful start. It was also a great way to get used to the idea that this aspect of our relationship together was going to be work. Work on the honesty and trust issue especially.
If I am not totally honest in what is ok and what is not as far as I am concerned, then how would he work his brain around being comfortable around me in femme or drab, whichever he felt like at the moment. The femme part has come a long way, but more for another time.

Am I bi?

Not meant to be an insult to anyone who considers themselves bi. I just don't think I am. My spouse loves to make the point that if he is fully presenting in femme and the only way I can  "see" that he is a HE is to see "it" then I must necessarily be bisexual in nature.

My argument is that while I can appreciate and feel attracted to the same sex, that because I don't want to bed a woman as a woman, then I am not bisexual... as for the sex part I require the male "member." ;)

I have presented this argument to both another friend whom I only know in femme, R (super duper fantastic "ladies who lunch lovely") and my best friend AB (because I am A LOL). The funny thing is, only spouse P thinks this makes me bi.

My other friends argue that because I KNOW there is a member there waiting for me and therefore know she is really a he that I am not bi.

Anyone else wanna weigh in?

Lest ye think.

So this isn't just going to be a sappy blog about how wonderful my love life is, there is also some stuff I am trying to work out.
"We" have recently taken our sharing o the cding to a new level in that we joined a fantastic online community that is for everyone cd/ts/tg both mtf and ftm  AND their Significant Others (SOs) be we spouses or otherwise. The community is wonderful and SO very helpful. With advice to get as well as give and not only are their public forums for everyone, but there are private forums for groups as well. I was very excited to join and then fill the requirements to join the genetic girl (GG) forum that is completely private. I'm not going to share details on that here, because it's private and I promised not to, but I will say that if you or your SO is looking for a place that will be both supportive, and helpful to you both...just go right over to Crossdressers.com and join! Don't think that everyone is just going to agree with you when I say supportive, we are there to say what has and has not worked for us and just help you out with real world stuff.
It has been fantastic for me to learn that all my anxiety over fretting about my own looks (wow, I really am vain, and I hate it but I guess it's true!) and the fact that I feel like one day P will just leave me so far behind when dressed is (gasp) normal. It is just my own stupid crap. P, in fact, does really think I am still beautiful and sexy. Even when she's dressed and I am just normal (I don't usually wear makup.... kind of sad huh). And even though it is MY OWN PERCEPTION that she will judge me with the same harsh criticism that I judge myself with when I am primping, she doesn't. She has a "blind" love for me. Blind and unconditional and loves me JUST THE WAY I AM. Just like I love her. But it's still nice to know that someone else out there feels bad, like I do. That other people have a hard time thinking about...whatever. And some people are fortunate enough to have worked through some of this already with their partner and some haven't, but YAY... there are other out there going through the same thing and others to TALK TO!

There are panties...

I just want to get some stuff out there. Just see it in black and white. I know talking helps and I know writing helps. So blogging can certainly help. If you are with me on this journey at any phase, jump in and help me out. I'm going to try to just be myself which is pretty brash and honest with not a lot of stopping to think before speaking (most of the time). Time can do a marvelous job on opinions as well as memories, changing them for the better or vice versa. Enough rambling, here goes...

In the beginning there were panties. That's what we started out with, but really the story goes back farther than that. To a night when we were young and in love, (we still are!) but not yet bonded by the union of marriage. We were two lovers sitting on a porch, anticipating our first "full weekend together" at the same house. 

We were sharing sexual fantasies and it was my turn...

I was so scared. I'd had the same fantasy since the age of 14 and I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show for the very first time. I wanted a man in drag... I wanted Frankenfurter, I wanted an experience with a man dressed just like I was...super sexy and ready for loving!

Can you believe it? I had kept it a secret. So then I just said it out loud (or as I recall in a kind of timid voice...) I want you to wear women's lingerie for me. 

That's where it started, my journey into the world of loving a crossdresser. It wasn't really as simple as that, but that is in fact our beginning.