Time may change me

2012 has been such an amazing year so far. I have never felt so in tune with my own self. I wonder how you ladies are doing on your own journeys. If you follow Meg you know she is spending some important time getting in touch with herself right now. I am sending many good vibes her way.

It's important to know yourself. I remember being asked months ago what kind of stuff I liked and being stumped. I have some answers to that question now. I feel more confident about things and myself. I feel like a woman and I feel strong. I also know how to let myself be vulnerable with those that I love and trust. I have more control over what to say when someone asks about my marital status. It doesn't make me want to cry, or make me defensive. I can refer to the time I was married and not sound pitiful or blurt out that I'm no longer married because my spouse is dead. I can do this intentionally.

I've made it past my birthday and what was my wedding anniversary. The only thing coming up that Penny really loved is Halloween. She hated sunshine and summer stuff. I don't really anticipate problems for Halloween. I just don't feel the dread that I did before the anniversary came and went. Not for Halloween. I feel dread about November.

I also think it's natural. The one year anniversary of "the event" might be a bit hard. In my heart I feel like if I can get away from here, this house, where it happened that things will be ok. I know that means I'm giving power to an object, but I am living here, so I am facing it. I use the space where it happened so it's not set off as some sort of shrine or sacred space. A part of me wants to treat it as a celebration day. The day Penny freed herself from pain and allowed me to become the person I was meant to be, the strong woman she always said was inside me. The one I didn't really think was there for years. I thought I had lost her, I just kept her tucked away. I won't make that mistake again.

I feel like I have sane control of my life. I feel like my decisions are mine and mine alone. I feel like I have morphed into that Wonder Woman that I have kept on a petal-stool (reference to IT Crowd moment here).